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Trump Vows to Unite East and West Korea


Not to be outdone by the peaceful and productive talks between leaders of North and South Korea, President Trump declared at an NRA rally in Dallas, TX, that he has an even better plan to bring unity to “the other Koreas”.

“So it looks like Kim called up Moon and told him,” Trump continued in a racist Asian accent complete with his eyes stretched longways, “‘Me want to love you long time, hundred dolla me love you long time, Moon.’”

The crowd, which is best described as ‘Texas Sophisticated’, of course, went wild and celebrated his antics by hooting and hollering and exclaiming loudly various ‘ching’ and ‘chang’ type noises. After about 10-minutes of racist guffaws, Trump was able to continue his speech.

“Well, I have a ‘surplise’ for them, because I’m going to put in a call to the leaders or should I say ‘readers’ of East and West Korea and create an even peacefuler peace. The other Koreas are going to love Trump a long time if you know what I mean.”

At this point, Trump lost most of the crowd to some degree but continued to double down on his plan. He bragged that he has been very good friends with the rulers of both of the fictitious countries, ‘General Tso Tso’ and ‘King Long Duck Dong’. The claims were met with sporadic applause and a few ‘Hell yeahs’ from people who weren’t really paying attention.

“Was it his best speech? No.” Patrick Hardy, a die-hard Trump supporter commented after the rally. “They can’t all be winners. I mean he was in Texas and didn’t call Mexicans rapists once. That seems like a missed opportunity to me.”

A member of the Trump administration later told news outlets that the president was, of course, speaking metaphorically about the nonexistent countries. After that, the President tweeted “I was speaking literally about East and West Korea! I am the best at geology.”

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