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Trump Hopes to Tap Fresh, Young Labor Market

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by Alfonse Monk

Donald Trump is looking to fulfill part of his campaign promise to create more jobs with his proposed executive order 14-2-17.
Spurred on by calls from an increasingly dissatisfied base, especially in the wake of the Roy Moore defeat, Trump is considering a drastic – if not particularly surprising given his past escapades – action. Clad in gold pajamas, surrounded by pictures of Ivanka, and appearing to tweet furiously under his pure white, David Duke 1,000 thread count sheets, Trump gave the following statement from his Mar-a-Lago bedroom early Saturday morning:
“Look, I get it. You’re angry. You’ve got little rocket man wanting to kill us all. You’ve got fake news telling you that white people with caches of weapons are shooting other white people when we all know it’s brown people in white face. We know it. Everybody does. In fact, many people tell me they think it’s Obama. Yeah. And Crooked Hillary. And those same brown people are stealing all of our jobs. That’s how they make the job openings, you know. They shoot hard working Americans. On top of all that, we lost Alabama when Roy Moore – a very fine man with a very stupid hat, seriously stupid hat – lost the Alabama Senate seat because, what? Because some cun… some country girl said he touched her when she was 14? It’s Alabama. Everybody there does that. All of ‘em. I’ve met ‘em. Had to be voter fraud. I mean honestly, that was worth 20, maybe 25 percent more votes. I studied it. I know.”
The president lambasted the Alabama result for several more minutes while appearing to tweet more vigorously before stopping both with an emphasizing grunt. (Editor’s note: We admit we’re speculating here as no Twitter posts were noted at the time of this impromptu press conference.)
Taking no time to compose himself, Trump gave his version of a smile, which looks roughly like a scrotum choking on a rotten lemon, and outlined his plan.
“I’m going to pump this economy full of new opportunity. It’s going to come together hard and fast. America is going to have a huge load of cash to blow on whatever it wants with my new plan. My executive order, I call it 14-2-17 – I came up with that, by the way, all my idea – really solves two problems. One, it takes away the illegal problem a little bit. Not all the way – we’re still going to get that wall up, maybe even a roof, we’re great, we can do it – but enough to please the libs. Two, it opens a job market to a group that’s been discriminated against for decades. It’s great, it’s the best plan. You’re going to love it, libs. And Republicans.”
When pressed for exactly what his idea is, Trump told us this:
“We’ve got this untapped job market. Teenagers can work at restaurants. At farms. Dangerous jobs, very dangerous. But where are they discriminated against? Porn. Not allowed. Gotta be 18. Sad. I’m changing that. When I sign that order, the age limit goes to 14. Hundreds of thousands of new jobs available. And you know they can fix a major immigration issue, too. They tell us those Asian girls in their movies are teenagers, but they aren’t. Lies. Lies to the public. That’s not fair to the real Asian girls that want the opportunity. We like Asians, right? They don’t blow things up or pick the grapes we really wanted to. But see here’s the third, the surprise, benefit. We legalize Mexican girls, too. If they’re working in the safety of the porn environment, they won’t be a drain on the system. It’s very smart. I’m a super genius. See, they’ll have the benefits that come with an acting job. And no more anchor babies. You can’t anchor a baby to your face. And if one of those fertile, brown girls does get pregnant, the movie producers will shove a coat hanger up there and get it out. Saves a ton on Medicaid.”
Trump began tweeting rapidly and lost all interest in the reporters in the room as soon as he made that statement, instead opting to close his eyes and repeatedly call for Ivanka.
Louis C.K., Woody Allen, and Roman Polanski all tweeted support for the proposed executive order. Kevin Spacey tweeted “Boys? #14217 @realDonaldTrump”.

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