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How to Avoid Coronavirus Like the Plague


by Wil Henneberger

Do Not Touch Your Face:

Of course, now that you read that, you’ve probably never wanted to touch your face more in your whole miserable life. Do it! NO STOP! That was a test, and most of you idiots failed. If you have ever had pinkeye, then you probably will not master this skill.

Do Not Wash Your Hands:

If your hands are fresh and clean then what are you going to do with them? They’ll be on your own face like coronavirus on grannies’ panties. Keep those hands as disgusting as possible, the smell of your hands should be so bad that you have to hold them literally an arm’s length away just to avoid vomiting.

Be Gross:

I have long been a firm believer in the power of the human immune system, but too many people coddle their bodies like they are going to live forever. Never clean your phone, never clean your keyboard. Pick up strange gross children every chance you get. If you already bite your finger nails then you are ahead of the curve, but go the extra mile and chew those toenails too, especially on that big toe with the fungus.

Get a Mask:

It’s been said that surgical masks will not stop you from getting the virus, but The Vent says, you will 100% need a mask. Crazy things are going to happen during these times. Things you will not be proud of and things you will not want to do unless your identity is protected. Get a mask that covers your entire face while you rob your neighbors or loved ones for their supply of homemade hand sanitizer. We recommend anonymous style Guy Fawkes masks, or a Scream- ghost face killer mask for the coolest look.

Stay Out of Dad’s Cashews:

Dammit! You kids know that the can of cashews next to my recliner is for me. They cost a GD arm and leg. Never has it been more important to keep your grubby little hands out of my cashews.

Let Go of Grandma:

Accept the fact that Grandma is probably not going to make it. This is a good thing. With quarantines in place and no more paycheck you will soon run out of money. You will need that inheritance and hopefully a new place to live rent free. In fact, we advise that you move in now to get that spikey virus ball rolling. Leave the plastic on the furniture.

Eat Some Shrooms:

Granted, this has not been proven to deter the spread of coronavirus in any way, but with a high enough dose you can actually calm any worry on your mind. Best of all the effects are long-lasting. If it works to chill out cancer patients, it’ll definitely help ease your freaking out about losing grandma after you coughed in her soup.

Stock Up on Hand Sanitizer:

Some things will become scarce during this outbreak and one of those is Purell. Get ahold of gallons now while you have a chance. You will need this to trade for food and sex and less important things too. If you are smart you already used your Cash App to buy stock in that stuff. On a side note, always have a fake stash of hand sanitizer made from flesh eating acid in case you are held up by a neighbor or loved one.