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SXSW VIP’s RIP

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By Javi Luna

With tens of thousands of people flooding Austin, TX for the annual South By Southwest Music, Film, and Interactive Conference and Festival and hotels booked for a year in advance there is no shortage of people looking for a place to crash. However, usually it’s not through a barricade killing two people and injuring 23 others while running from the police. But that’s what happened in the early morning hours of March 13, 2014 when Rashad Charjuan Owens evaded police and plowed down the crowded Red River Street in Austin striking and killing a man from the Netherlands on a bicycle and an Austin woman on a moped scooter while trying to avoid being pulled over from a DUI patrol unit.

There were several bystanders to the incident one was 21-year-old Emmet Hines, who witnessed the accident from a smoke shop just down the street. Once we got Emmet’s attention, he had this to say, “I heard some guy from the Netherlands on a bike got killed man. That **** is crazy. I didn’t even know you could ride a bike from the Netherlands.” We had to cut our interview short with Mr. Hines as Austin PD wanted to question him on an unrelated matter after a particular odor was detected coming from his hand rolled cigarette.

We then caught up with University of Texas Senior Kyle Stringer. Stringer offered a very insightful account of the incident once we got him to stop shouting at us about his affiliation with the Delta chapter of the Beta Alpha Gamma fraternity. The self proclaimed D-BAG brother said that he was standing outside waiting to get into a party with his bros to see if they “could find some chicks that were DTF”.  That’s when Owens’ gray Honda Civic came crashing through the barricade and racing down the street. “At first I though it was a promotional stunt for the new Fast and Furious 7 film” At that time Stringer stopped for a “bro-ment” of silence for Paul Walker with his frat brothers. “Once I realized it was real my brothers and I started seeing if there was any hot b***** that needed CPR.” Mr. Stringer also prematurely ended our interview as he had to go “lotion his new tribal tat” so it doesn’t dry out.

Immediately after ending our conversation with Mr. Stringer we were approached by a woman, Jayde Morgan, who identified herself as the bass player for Asthmatic Female Operatic Vampire Punk Rock group, Vag the Inhaler. Ms. Morgan offered up her conspiracy theory on why Mr. Owens committed such a horrendous act. According to Ms. Morgan the conference this year has been riddled with people trying to one up each other for the #DoritosBold campaign to get Lady Gaga tickets and that Mr. Owens was a victim of a “once pure” festival for music lovers that had been “raped and ravaged of its soul” by corporate sponsors. After that, Morgan went on a long drawn out rant about “true artistry” but we didn’t really pay attention because the cleavage in her corset wasn’t really all that great and we ended the conversation because frankly she scared us.

owens

Rashad Charjuan Owens has been charge with two counts of capitol murder, an offense punishable by death in the state of Texas. However, if Owens pleads to a lesser charge and gets time off for good behavior he could be released in time for SXSW 2045 which is scheduled to be headlined by John Mayer and Katy Perry’s demon child on the Doritos Extreme Food Capsules stage.

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