CORPUS CHRISTI, TX – With the instant success of the Selena themed cups, Stripe Convenience Stores has already announced their next venture in commemorative beverage containers. Beginning March 12th the gas station with a near monopoly in Corpus Christi will release five different President Donald Trump Kommemorative Kollectible Kups.
“Now that we have put something out for the nonvoters,” Welcy Karren, CEO of Stripe parent company, said from a leather chair in a dark, cigar smoke-filled room at an undisclosed location, “we thought we should do something for the Corpus Christinos that actually matter.”
Insiders at Stripe say that Karren saw the cup idea as a way to make back some of the $6 million dollars he donated to Rick Perry’s Presidential campaign and the $1 million he gave to Trump’s winning effort.
Only a few designs have been previewed by the public to date, and those have been met with mixed feelings. Patrons are polarized by the cups, as with most issues regarding the current political climate. A spokesperson for Laredo Burrito Company said that if these cups go on sale at Stripe they would build a wall between the cup display and their taco counter and they would make Stripe pay for it. Representatives for Slush Gorilla could not comment due to brain-freeze.
While the Selena cups sold for $2.99 each, the Trump cups are priced at $299.99. This price gap was specifically created to keep these collectibles in the hands of the Corpus Christi One-Percenters. These cups will also be outfitted with special technology for exclusive white only drink fountains that will give the owners access to a wider variety of beverages than the average customer can purchase.
Under the agreement of anonymity, one local Stripe manager revealed that some of the exclusive drinks flavors would include:
Million Dollar Mixer- Usually the smell and taste of money is tainted from traveling through the hands of so many common peasants, but the super rich know that there is nothing more delicious than a fresh Million-dollar-bill.
Private Island Breeze – Top chemists have finally figured out how to create the flavor of exclusion. Drinking this will make you feel like you are vacationing on Stripe CEO Welcy Karren’s private island off the coast of Honduras.
Bannonana Man Juice – Harvested round the clock from the man himself, this protein-infused liquid energy will give you the strength and power needed to start a religious war and still pull the puppet strings of your boss.
Blue Collar Blood Blast – Once you get a taste for this thick plasmatic thirst-quenching drink you will wonder why you haven’t been picking up drifters and draining them of their life from the day you hit your first million.
Other flavors to come: White Powerade; White Russian; and Dr. Mengele.