Hey guys and gals, Scabby here, fresh off my summer stint in rehab. Oh but don’t you worry about old Scabster, I’m still a good-time lovin’ gal. I just like to check myself in during the hotter months to take advantage of the free air conditioning. Dry out a little, get some free grub, and enjoy the company of like minded individuals ya know. I tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve been to a rehab orgy. But as the doggy-style days of summer come to an end so starts another school year. At least that is what Mr. Vent , the marketing genius that he is, said when he told me I had to write this column, even though school has already been in session for weeks at the time of this publication. And even though I just finished detoxing, he was nice enough to get me some of these fancy White Claws all the kids are talking about to get my writing juices flowing. So here it is, Scabby’s Top 5 Tips for Back to School.
You don’t have to slow down at EVERY school zone.
This one is for those of you that don’t have kids. I see it all the time. People you don’t have to slow down at every school zone.You see it says it right on the sign in plain engish. “School Zone WHEN FLASHING”. Well, honey just put your shirt down for a minute and give the girls a rest. Save it for the paying customers and drive right on through at 35 mph. You’re welcome.
Early to bed early to rise. Establish a consistent bedtime.
That’s right you may be surprised to know Scabby still has parental rights for 3 out of my 6 children, so I know a thing or two about setting parental boundaries. When it comes to bedtime, the earlier the better. In Scabby’s house, the 2 months out of the year I have custody, we have a strict 5:30 PM bedtime. Now to some of you pushover mommies out there that may sound a little bit on the early side but as one of my many foster mother’s use to say “Nothing good happens after 6 PM.” If the little rugrats give you any sh*t just do what Scabby tells ya. Add a little of the Crown Royal Apple to their Capri Sun. Out like a light.
Beware the Parent-Teacher Conference
You may be surprised as I was to learn that there is no such thing as Parent-Teacher confidentiality when it comes to “the safety of the child.” You show up with a needle still hanging out of your arm to one meeting and all of a sudden you’re ‘the heroin mom.” Oh and these little teacher skanks will talk real nice to your face, but the second you’re gone they’re on the phone with CPS before you even make it out to your pimp’s car. Bunch of pant-suit wearing, two-faced, half-dike b*tches. I swear they’re all one bad divorce away from licking p****.
Talk to your kids about bullying.
I know it’s all over the media lately. It’s an epidemic amongst today’s youth at an alarming rate and Scabby’s home is no different than the rest of America. I caught my second youngest, Patrick-Wayne, cyberbullying one of his classmates on the facebook. I had to sit down and have a real talk with him I said “Patrick Wayne Father Unknown, you quit cyberbullying that little autistic boy. That’s p**** shit. You bully him to his face. Like a man.” And that’s what he did. I was so proud.
The Parent Pick-Up Line (misleading name)
Here’s another mind-blowing factoid from, Scabriela. The parent pick-up line is for picking up STUDENTS and not parents. And you know Scabby loves to mingle. So to the single father that turned out not to be single that I gave a handy to in his Pontiac Vibe and his wife, mea culpa.
And there you twats have it, “Scabby’s Back to School Top 5 Thing.” All you need to know to get you through the school year until your kid gets sent to SSC or Juvie.