There are few characters in our fine city more interesting than the ‘Jane of all trades’ we have come to know and love as Scabby.
Scabby has won our hearts and out 10-spots, time and time and time and time and time again. Over the past 60 years it is safe to assume that she has at one time or another serviced most if not all men and most women in our city’s population.
The Vent has been home to Scabby’s column for only about 10% of her time as a ‘lady of the night’. As court ordered community service her writing has served as a great deterrent to youngsters who find themselves considering a life on the streets.
However due to a freak fisting accident, Scabby has temporarily lost the use of her hands, eyes, and left nostril. So, in order to keep her from getting tossed back into the system, we have taken this time to sit down with everybody’s favorite prostitute and ask some of the questions you’ve always wondered but were to weak stomached to ask.
VENT: 60 years is a long time to be in the game, how have you lasted so long?
SCABBY: I can only guess at a questions not even doctors have been able to answer. Well, besides a high protein diet, every morning at sunrise I put on my sneakers and go for a brisk walk two houses down to pick up my daily regimen of narcotics. I am basically a science experiment at this point, which is a fitting description since my vagina looks like a 6th grade volcano constantly spewing dry ice mist.
VENT: Jesus! Um ok. In all your years, who are the most notable johns you have been with?
SCABBY: Well first of, around here we call them juans. But I’ve been hired by Juan Stamos, Juan Cena and even Juan Bonham. Oh and Juan Lennon hired me once but it was to lay down, here me out, lay down some background vocal tracks on Sgt. Pepper.
VENT: Is it true that you were personal ho to every mayor since 1953, 16 total?
SCABBY: Actually 17, counting Mary Rhodes. Before I was known as Scabby they called me The MayORAL ASSisTIT. Not a lot of people knew about my relationship with Mary though. It was kept very hush-hush. Back then Corpus Christi was a lot like it is today. Backwards and sexually repressed. She was my one true love, and I was hers. She wanted to name her famous Pipeline, the Mary Rhodes Love Tunnel, so I could taste her every time I took a drink, but the dicks in city council wouldn’t have that. Jokes on them though… I dare you to take a sip of CC tap water and tell me it doesn’t taste a little fishy.
VENT: (threw up in my mouth)
SCABBY: Would you like some water?
VENT: Oh god no! I mean, no thank you.
SCABBY: I haven’t gotten the call from Nelda yet, but I will. They always call.
VENT: Finally Scabby, where is the strangest place you have ever done the deed?
SCABBY: Well, I could tell you but then you would probably never be able to eat What-a-burger again.
VENT: Ok stop. That’s enough. Thanks for your time.
SCABBY: Since you’re here, do you want to uh…
VENT: Sure, why not.