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Letters to the editor

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Dear Vent,
It’s your old buddy, Tea Party darling Ted Cruz. I just wanted to reach out and say thanks for not being to hard on me last campaign season. I know how easy of a target I can be and you have shown a lot of restraint, as well as class by not constantly pointing out all of the crazy mess that comes out of my mouth. Remember the filibuster where I talked about Star Wars…?
I know as a First Amendment aficionado, my presidential campaign announcement from the institution founded by Jerry Fallwell [check name] had to bring a few things to mind. Perhaps the discussion even took place to pen a story similar to that old Hustler Magazine ad that famously told a tale of Fallwell having relations with his mother in an outhouse.

Thanks to the Supreme Court of the United States, writing such garbage is your constitutional right. Even though the outhouse reference is a tad outdated, you still could have come up with all kinds of awful smut about me, but for whatever reason you have passed up the chance thus far, and for that you have my most sincere expression of gratitude.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go and finger-blast an underage girl in a port-o-potty.
God Bless TexAmerica
T.C.

Dear Selena Fans
You may not know me by my given name Luis Orilizar, I am better known to most people as cholo #1 from the Selena movie. The one whose bumper was torn off while trying to tow Selena’s tour bus with my Impala,[spelling?] not my smartest moment.

The reason i am addressing you all publically is because I was hoping to put an end to the whole “Salinas” reference. I get it, it was a funny story for Selena and all those guys, but for years it is all anybody ever says to me. I can’t even leave my house anymore. I know it doesn’t help that I still drive the same Impala and I haven’t yet fixed the bumper, but it’s all I’ve got man.

We have all made silly mistakes like that, and for most of you, it doesn’t haunt you for the rest of your life. When I meet Salinas that day, She wasn’t even that well-known yet and it is surprising that I even sort of knew who she was. I should be credited as a Latino tastemaker… NOT SOME FOOL FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT!

I am no longer that naive young charismatic cholo… for god’s sake I’m almost 50 years old! I’ve worked for the f***ing U.S. Postal Service for 9 years!! and before that I had a thriving small business tax service! I am more than just the “Salinas” guy.
Frustrated,

Luis Salinas… F#%@ my life!

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