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Letters to the Editor (Sept. 19)

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Dear Mr Vent,

I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to congratulate you on still being in circulation after all these years. See I recently awoke from a 6 year coma and was surprised to find just how much the world has changed in such a relatively short amount of time. I mean Donald Trump is our president? WTF? Who dropped the ball there? By the way, you aren’t Russian are you? Your real name is Ventrovsky or something? Anyway, nothing was more surprising then to find out that your little newspaper (I know you call it a magazine, but let’s be real it’s a newspaper) is still in print. This paper that I used to read in my dorm, preg-gaming, double fisting Mike’s Hard Lems with the homies, before heading out for a night on the town. And it’s just how I remember it too. Same badly photoshopped covers, same stories, and even a lot of the same jokes. There’s something comforting in that. I know a lot of media moguls such as yourself would have given in to the pressure to go digital but not you. Almost no remarkable digital footprint at all. I checked. I hope you get this letter in time for print as I had no choice but to mail it to you because I could not seem to find a website for your “magazine.” I just wanted to say thank you sir for your dedication to mediocrity in a world gone crazy. We could use a little more consistency these days. 

Sincerely, 

Coma Carl

Dear User4349836,

As the creator of the greatest social network platform ever conceived, I never thought I would be writing such a message but… I think you need to take a break from Facebook. I’ve been watching you closely for a few months now. At first it was entertaining, the way you thought that your awareness of our “hate algorithm” would allow you to subvert it and proactively avoid being pulled into the negativity whirlpools. I once watched you argue with some right wing nut two hours past the point where even I would have just told them to kill themselves. So, good on you. But seriously, you got one kid off to college but you still have one more to think about. Although, I do have to say that the time you got that Libertarian to admit that we do need to focus more on the advent of non-lethal tech such as phasers rather than continue to believe that guns make us safer was pure genius. In another world, where you had better parents, I could see a mind like yours working right here at FB HQ.  

Don’t worry, I’m here to help get you away from your screens and spending more time teaching your daughter to score volleyball touchdowns.. Uh, I don’t know sports. 

Anyway, I have penetrated my private A.I. sexbot with every data point I could find on you, which wasn’t easy. You’re the only person on the planet who unchecks all the boxes for the things the third-party apps ask for when you use FB to sign into them. Nonetheless with just your Facebook behavior, I had enough of a pattern to create a suitable bot to take your place. Basically I just had to program my A.I. system to call people stupid twats every third comment. 

So now you can spend more time with your kid, or kill yourself, either way we got it covered.      

Your Pal,

Mark Zucky Ducky

WILL! WTF!!

Why aren’t you answering my texts!! What happened to the plan! I was going to leave KIII TV 3 and you were finally going to leave your family to run away with me to somewhere less racist. I waited at our spot, the loading dock at the Salvation Army next to the studio for 3 hours. I can’t believe I was so foolish to think that this time you meant it. Something about those hazel eyes just turns me into an idiot. I could have had anyone in this city, but I chose you, and this is how you treat me!?!

I’m beginning to think that nothing you said over these last 6 years was true. Did you really never watch KRIS news, or was that just another lie? And that time I caught you and Katia in the shower… sleepwalking! Really! BOTH OF YOU! OMG! Good luck paying for your own cell phone from now on while you “finish your book”. I’m so over this BS. 

Please call me back, 

Kristin Diaz

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