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Letters to the Editor (Jan 2020)

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Hello Wil Vent,

Did you think I wouldn’t find out what you have been doing! Oh, you think you are one crafty SOB, well I am on to you. The Wendy’s App was designed to offer our customers a convenient way to order food while allowing us to slowly weed out the use of human workers in our restaurants. It was not designed to be taken advantage of and scam my grandkids out of their rightful inheritance.

That “$2.00 OFF any premium meal” coupon was meant for one-time use! How dare you screen grab it and use it every time you order that Baconator combo with Baconator fries. Over the past 6 weeks you have ripped me off to the tune of $82! By the way, if you keep eating Wendy’s this much, you will be seeing me very soon, and believe me, I’ll take that $82 out on your ass!

Eat shit,

Ghost of Dave Thomas

Dear Vent,

So, I hear you have a problem with us popping fireworks after midnight, down the street from your office/headquarters/house with the 2nd worst yard on the block. Well, you can go to hell! Yeah, its already January 8th, so what!? It so happens that it’s my birthday and birthdays within 10 days of New Year’s Day are entitled to be celebrated with leftover fireworks that didn’t get popped ‘cause cousin Daryl blew off his finger trying to throw Black Cats at an actual black cat.

And don’t for a second think that I don’t understand the predicament at hand when one has a problem with their neighbors. Used to be you could walk on over and have a polite conversation under the pretext of borrowing a cup of sugar or the like, where which you could express your displeasure with the late-night noise, or the strange mid-day stench wafting down the street, or how ‘bout the fact that I let my dogs out three times a day to drop dookie all over the block while making sure no child ever feels safe playing in their front yard.

Yup, I am well aware that you can no longer approach a neighbor in this way ‘cause with my known garbage behavior combined with the current general climate of social aggression, you just aren’t sure that I’m not the type to take a piss on your porch at 4am, or accidentally drop a cinderblock on the hood of your Corolla, or pour the aforementioned cup of sugar in the gas tank of your other Corolla. What can I say, except that, times are good for assholes all around…  Make the 4100 block of Markins Great Again!

Hey Vent,

I wanted to borrow your forum to publish some of my 2020 resolutions in the hope that making them public would hold me more accountable to actually keep up with them. Seeing as I am the district’s primary Serial Killer as well as Congressman, it is also in the community’s best interest.

Resolution 1: Clean my knives more. Most people do not realize the increased danger of hepatitis among murderers. With my new position I’ve been neglectful toward the lovely blades that I consider my children.

Resolution 2: Spend more time with my fake family. When the kids were younger it used to be so easy to convince them that there was some light somewhere behind daddy’s dead eyes, but now that their survival instincts are more acute, it is paramount to keep up the charade of loving father. Obviously, my Mexican wife could never testify against me for fear of deportation, but my precious little anchor babies still have full legal citizenship status.

I’m sure you are now asking yourself, did this guy become a congressman in order to help change immigration law so that his half-Mexican children would be too scared to ever reveal, in court, that they have “allegedly” witnessed their father murder and eat no less than 42 illegal immigrant children… What are you, some kind of conspiracy theorist?  

Resolution 3: Lose weight. Yes, I know, a bit of a cliché, but even though my diet is basically carnivorous, I can’t seem to shed the baby fat I have gained by eating all these fat babies.

Anyway, vote for me in 2020,

Congressman Michael Cloud

Hello Neighbor,

I just read the news that you are having a bad time with one of your neighbors and I just wanted to say that it is okay to feel the way you do. Sometimes we can get very angry when someone acts like they deserve to have a better life than you. This is called entitlement. Can you say that. When white people or millennials around you act entitled, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. Remember, if it’s mentionable, it’s manageable. Also, don’t be afraid to call CPS and tell them you saw your neighbor punching their 8-year-old kid, that works too.

Your friend,

Fred

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