Dear Lily’s Dad,
I heard you caught that cold I sent home for you via your daughter. Happy back to school season, you old bastard. Sure, we’ve never met and you’ve never even heard of me, but now we are connected virally. Parts of my germ cocktail are all up inside you! How do you like that mother***a! All summer long I didn’t wash my hands once! And if you’re wondering if I ever took a bath – well you better stop, you pedo! With any luck, I timed it just right so that you would have to push your print date back as far as you could in the week and probably completely forget about any other projects like that whack-ass Young Adult novel you’ve been working on for two years. To me, it’s particularly funny how this cold hit you the worst ’cause you’re always home. Your week-ass immune system never had a chance, fool. Yeah, I know stuff.
I wanted you to know that I have been following your Facebook activity and I really appreciate your effort to change the hearts and minds of some of those racists in your area. I know that you feel a ton of guilt for all those times you dropped the N-word while you were coming up and trying to figure out just who you were and what you believed. Look, it was South Texas in the 90’s… the pressure to stay ignorant must have been comparable to what I used to feel on the field. Not to mention you were friends with some real trashcans and the only form of parenting you really had, came from the Police Academy ensemble. Frankly bro, I am surprised you made it this far. Because your heart is in the right place, I’ll make a deal with you; for every like you get from a black person on a comment made against racism and hate, I will cancel out one of the times you used that slur of slurs. Only like 4,286 to go.
Your boy (get your head out of the racist gutter),
This is your landlady informing you that I have been contacted by the City of Corpus Christi about the back yard. How long did you think that you could get away with just half-assing the front yard before someone noticed? Now, cut the lawn this weekend or I will have to assume that you are trying to hide bodies back there like the last tenant. Also, how are you going to take a trip to California and pay your rent late mother***er.