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Letters to the Ed


Dear voters,
How come nobody ever told us that if our dad won the election he would be going away for 32 weeks of the year? Did any of you voters out there take that into consideration what kind of effect that is going to have on us? I doubt it.
Michael Cloud’s Children

Dear Cloud Kids,
All I can figure is that your old man just doesn’t really like you all that much.


Dear Vent,
So uh… I was going to vote in the special election but when I woke up I saw that I had missed a new Joe Rogan podcast episode with Ted Nugent and I had to hate-listen to it while I ate my breakfast. Four hours later, I was on my way out the door when that hot mail-lady was passing by… one thing lead to another and I ended up giving her a delivery- HEY-O! All joking aside I was in my car and headed to the fire station down the street when my mom called and needed me to help move a piano she bought for my sisters birthday. Dude, believe me, I know how important this election was and I fully intended to vote but an hour before the polls closed, me and 10,000 of my friends decided to hit the beach and do some mushrooms… Hope we didn’t cost your buddy Eric the election.
Most of the democrats in Corpus Christi

Dear Dems,
As a matter of fact we could have really used you out there. Next time? Please…


Dear Readers,
I am sneaking this into the letters to the editor section because I know that my dad doesn’t really read these, he just responds randomly and hopes that what he says makes some kind of sense. I need your help. For years I have been used by my dad, the editor, as a child laborer for the Vent magazine. Sometimes he will simply have me type out the half-thoughts he scribbles on napkins and calls articles. Other times he will make me sit with him for hours as he works out the punch line for another joke about Trumps tiny penis.

Once I turned 16 he would have me entertain Scabby when she came to the office for “meetings”. I’ve seen so much. Yes I am 19 years old now and technically free to leave, but unfortunately the brainwashing just goes to deep and I fear that if I am not rescued soon I will be doomed to the worst fate of all… to inherit a print publication in the digital age.
Wil Vent Jr.

Hey Son,
Glad to see you are taking an interest in the magazine. One day all of this will be yours!


Dear Wil,
Look buddy, I am writing as a friend. I never see you anymore. I mean, I know you are doing a lot with this very important magazine and your quest to turn the congressional district blue using only Internet memes, but it would be nice to see you. Sure, I know that the full weight of blocking the US Senate from confirming a replacement for Justice Kennedy rests on your shoulders and your shoulders alone, but does that really mean you can’t at least check in with me from time to time? By the way, thanks for all the research you are doing on genetic editing to see if you can figure out the key to immortality. If only, you could get a handle on those delusions of grandeur.
Missing you,

Dear Reality,
I really would like to hang sometime, but if I don’t figure out these calculations, Elon Musk will never even consider my idea for light-speed ocean travel.

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