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Letters to Santa


Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is some furniture (preferably a foot stool), some rope to practice my knots, and a heavy duty hook to hang a mistletoe.

Love, Raymond, 7

Dear Santa,

pleas ask mommy and daddy to shut the door when they practice CPR and reverse CPR (that’s what daddy calls it)

Thanks, Johnny 8

Dear Santa,

It was nice meeting you at the mall, but kind of awkward when you showed up at my house yesterday. However, thank you for the PS4 and the cold hands.

Scarred, Roman, 6

Dear Santa,

Here it is. The day we’ve been planning for months. Or at least I have, because this has been a fairly one-sided conversation. But I know you’ve been getting these letters. You have to have been, because where else would they be going?

You know the plan, when you get here tonight, stomp twice above my room – the north east corner, and I’ll head up to the roof. Once you’ve delivered the package, you’ll only have a minute to pack me in your gift bag and make for the getaway. That is, if you made the bomb to my specifications.

Dad’s gonna love his special present this year. That’ll teach him for talking so much about how Ivanka is the pretty one.

Thanks for this Santa, they told me not to believe in you anymore, but you never stopped believe in me. Eric, 34

Dear Santa, I have been very good this year. I voted and managed to not post it online. I stopped using straws. I dont own any guns. I made sure all my friends weren’t sharing articles from Ben Shapiro and saying “he has a point.”

Here is my Christmas list:

1. V-Bucks for a battle pass.

2. Universal Healthcare

3. Can we get Prince back somehow?

4. Five Golden Rings

5. Clothes that fit me as my weight fluctuates from fluffy to fat and back to fluffy.

Stay Woke, Ryan, 8

Dear Santa,

All I want do Christmas is my two front teeth and rehab for meth addiction.

Scabby, age unknown

Dear “Comrade” Claus

You come into this country every year (undocumented, I presume) and, what, give presents to all the “good” little boys and girls? What makes a good kid in your eyes? Sharing? Being sensitive? SOUNDS LIKE COMMIE TALK TO ME. Good kids like that are a dying breed, fat man, and rightfully so. America has no chance of becoming Great Again if the pansies keep getting rewarded. As a matter of fact, if you had any brains, you’d send EVERY kid a lump of coal this year and give a boost to our boys in the mines while snubbing all those eco-losers! All those so-called good kids are the same ones who want to “happy holidays” you right out of the history books! Reclaim what’s yours! Take back the O Holy Night! WWG1WGA!! MAGA!!!

Yours Truly, Montana Max, 9

Dear Santa,

My name is Timothy (redacted) and I am 9 years old. I only have one thing I want this Christmas. I know this is probably gonna be a hard wish to grant but, but I have been a very good boy this year… I even mowed the grass every two weeks!!! If it isn’t too much trouble, do you think you could leak nudes of Clarissa Serna from Season 6 of the Voice ??? I buy all her merchandise and even bought her bikini calendar!!! Just please do me a favor and don’t wrap them or put them under the tree, my mom will take away my Fortnite privileges (again).

Here’s my Google Drive

Merry Christmas,Timmy

Dear Xanta Xlaus,

I’m not asking for ANYTHING from you this year, and I’m getting all my followers to do the same. Enjoy being friendless and alone up in the North Pole, shitlord. Your problematic value judgments have no place in modern society. “Bringing presents to all the good little boys and girls?” BOYS AND GIRLS?!? SERIOUSLY????? Until your small mind can catch up and acknowledge all SIXTY THREE genders, with carols and Coca Cola ads to match, “Santa Claus” is officially CANCELLED! YAAAASS Truly, David Hogg

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