Homeland Security agents arrested local news personality Katia Uriarte along with her 2 month old baby last Tuesday on suspicion of selling fake designer Diaper bags.
Katia has publicly denied all charges against her and her child in a statement released this morning declaring, “It is irresponsible for the media to vilify me and my son, simply because I am well known in the community. There are very little facts known in regard to this case and there is no excuse for the damage the media is doing to our personal lives.”
The arrests came after a yearlong investigation involving new field technology, including uterus taps, sonogram surveillance and vagina-bugs.
One ICE agency report stated that Katia’s vagina had so many bugs in it, it was a wonder the cover was not blown.
“Thanks to them bugs we knew this fetus was up to no good the minute it was conceived,” said agent Wendt. “Coincidentally, we were there to witness the conception… for unrelated reasons not pertinent to this case.”
While most of the community has taken to Facebook to voice their outrage against what they believe to be a waste of government funds and time that could be spent perusing more serious crimes, Internet troll Kay Santini voiced her opinion online with profound statements such as “The law is the law!” and “If you can’t do the time then don’t…wait, what kind of bags? For how much? And they look exactly like the real ones? I’ll take two!”
At the time of the arrests officers from several agencies searched the Uriarte home and ceased several diaper carriers designed to look like Louis Vuitton bags.
“We don’t get to break out the baby handcuffs very often,” Wendt continued, “which is a shame, cause they are just the cutest little handcuffs you ever did see.”
The mother and child were detained and questioned for 16 hours during which, a source says, one of the suspects broke down into tears over and over, drooling and vomiting all over themselves in a wretched display.
The baby on the other hand was clam throughout the entire process, exercising his right to remain silent.