by William Henneberger
With advocates for stricter gun control making more progress over the last month than in recent history, the National Rifle Association is up in arms. The NRA has doubled down on their hardline policy for no more laws governing the buying or selling of guns to anyone, anywhere, and for any reason, including premeditated murder.
This is in reaction to recent decisions by multiple businesses to deny the purchase of guns to customers under the age of 21 and also to the loss of other NRA corporate partners. In the midst of backlash, NRA officials have decided to forego compromise and move directly to belligerence.
“You want schools to be gun-free, then our position is to arm teachers,” bellowed Dana Loesch at the 2018 Conservative Political Action Conference, “You don’t like the idea of teachers carrying guns… then we say; arm the students! We will do whatever it takes to keep America safe as long as that means selling more guns.”
She then went on a strange rant about how she likes to refer to her guns as death dildos for reasons we cannot print in this publication.
The NRA’s position has changed several times over the past month. They have gone from insisting on armed school adjacent neighbors to armed school guards to armed coaches to armed substitute teachers to armed school nurses to armed mercenaries to armed teachers to armed class pets, to armed students.
When asked to explain this progression, Wayne LaPierre smugly admitted that they were literally shooting AR-15’s at random pages of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School yearbook to decide who should be armed.