by Bill Vessey
The Vent recommends that you have the following items a be ready to kill your fellow man.
The Vent recommends that you have the following items in your hurricane supply kit.
*Food – At least a 7-day supply of non-perishable “edibles”, baked goods may get ruined in the rain so opt for gummies whenever possible.
*Drinks – ONLY pack energy drinks, this will help you stay alert while you are tripping balls on your weed food.
*Fully charged laptop, phones, and iPads – Remember to download plenty of episodes of The Office and other comedies to take your mind off all the death and destruction.
*Flashlight – for light and a Fleshlight for the dark.
*Batteries are very important, put a few big ones in a sock for a weapon.
*First aid kit – Band-aids are a good source of fiber, especially used ones.
*Do Not worry about hygiene items, there is no concern for sanitation post-apocalypse.
*Kitchen Accessories – lots of knives and a manual can opener to slowly torture the weak into giving up where they hid their food supply.
*Tire repair kit, booster cables, pump, and flares – also for torture purposes.
*Cash – to burn for warmth. Paper money also has no value when all Hell breaks loose.
*Extra clothing and blankets to construct new friends when you inevitably have to kill everyone around you.
*Matches in a waterproof container – matches are the new money.
*Important documents like; that Amazing Fantasy 15 (1962) comic book, which introduces Spider Man; the autographed Baha Men cassette j-card you got at that meet-n-greet; and your 12th grade yearbook – Go Brahmas!
*Meds – uppers, downers, hallucinogens, prosthetics.
*Formula, diapers and pacifiers to keep baby alive until you need to eat it.
*Don’t forget your dogs and cats, they will be your new wives.
*Tire repair kit, booster cables, pump, and flares – also for torture purposes.
Final Check Lists
Actions to take when a storm is in the Gulf
*Listen frequently to radio (ask an old person what this means)
*Tie your mobile home to something heavy, like your mother-in-law.
*Take apart the kid’s half-pipe to board up the windows.
*Store light weight objects, such as lawn furniture and toddlers.
*To prevent theft, set fire to vehicles that are not being used.
*Do not trust local officials, they are just as scared as you and will use their authority trick you. There is no law during a hurricane.
*Be the last on your block to evacuate so you can loot all the other houses safely.
Final actions to take if LEAVING.
*Move all propane tanks near your worst neighbors house.
*Eat and drink everything in your refrigerator and freezer.
*Lock home and set bobby traps.
Final actions to take if STAYING.
*Close storm shutters except for the window you will be shooting from.
*Notify family members that they are disowned. Everyone for themselves.
* Lower water level in the swimming pool by one foot by doing several cannonballs.
*Put dry ice in freezer and use it to create a fog to throw off intruders.
*Be prepared to turn off utilities to give yourself the advantage over strangers in your home.
*Board up remaining doors (DO NOT trap yourself)
*Take refuge in a predetermined safe room, such as an interior closet – if needed come out of the closet with pride and defend yourself.
*DO NOT EXPECT EMERGENCY RESPONDERS TO BE OF ANY ASSISTANCE DURING A LANDFALLING HURRICANE – IT IS LITERALLY THE PURGE TIME.
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