It’s that time again; when some of us are getting those huge income tax checks that one of our part-time contributors cleverly refers to as King-Kong-tax-returns. Some of us who have teenage children have been in the game a long time and we are experts at spending that February windfall like we are in our own Brewster’s Millions scenario (what? You don’t get 30-year-old references… Google it.). I don’t know the psychology behind the fact that every tax season the working poor decide to make some of the dumbest decisions they can with what usually amounts to the biggest lump-sum check we will ever see unless by some miracle we have legitimate a slip and fall in an H-E-B, but that’s what we do.
For those of you who are just turning 18 and finally getting that triple kid bonus giving you your first real King Kong tax return, don’t worry, here are some tips to help you spend that money like the rest of us. If you follow this guide carefully, you too can be broke again by next week
1. Retrieve everything from the pawnshop until next month when you will have to pawn it all again.
Cost: $600-$900 plus $1 for each item because you lost the pawn slips.
2. Take the family to a carnival for on hour.
Cost: $500, $700 if you play until you win the big stuffed animal.
3. Go to Golden Corral for Breakfast, lunch, and dinner for ten days straight.
Cost: Approximately $12 per meal, plus eventual heart failure.
4. Get a new-used car that will be repossessed in 60 days.
Cost: $1000 down plus $1000 to upgrade the rims.
5. Fill up your new-used car with premium-unleaded gas.
Cost: $3.19/gallon and the loss of even more brain cells than usual from huffing the premium gas fumes.
6. Get a sweet thick chain for your pit-bull even though it doesn’t have its shots.
Cost: $80 and knowing you are human garbage.
7. Buy a year supply of condoms that your kids end up using for a water balloon fight.
Cost: $200 plus Kid #4
8. Wear a tuxedo and take a limo to CiCi’s Pizza to impress all your friends.
Cost: $5.99 and you lost your $150 deposit on the tux because you dripped Ranch all over it, plus a $50 charge because your pit-bull sh*t in the limo.
9. Pay off your overdraft fees at the bank so you can overdraft next month when you are broke.
Cost: $200 for each account at all 9 banks.
10. Buy all name brand groceries for once.
Cost: Totally worth it; Great Value toaster pastries taste like blood-soaked cardboard compared to actual Pop-tarts.
11. Put a down payment on Schlitterbahn.
Cost: They are taking whatever anyone can spare.
12. Buy some of Trump’s Wall Bonds.
Cost: Nothing, once we are repaid by Mexico.
13. Get business cards for your illegal enterprise.
Cost: $50 plus bail.
14. Get a tattoo of your kid’s names on your neck to show how much you love them even though you owe back child support.
Cost: Accidental Irony
15. Upgrade your shattered phone to an iPhone X, shatter the screen next month and have to use it that way until next year.
Cost: Free, when you open a new line that you don’t even need and give your old line to your 1-year-old.