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Greg “Evil Connivel” Abbott to Jump the Rio Grande


(1 min. read, 2 if you’re slow)

by Wil Henneberger

In an effort to raise funds and awareness for the state-built wall on the Mexican border, Texas Governor Greg Abbott plans to spectacularly launch himself over the Rio Grande. 

The four-wheeled, two-faced, zero-legged politician will team up with Elon Musk and the other spectrum nerds at SpaceX to engineer a special rocket powered wheelchair that will send Abbott into the air and land him safely on the other side of the Mexican border. 

The grand stunt is sure to get the attention of not only every idiot in Texas, but possibly every low IQ American as well. 

“I got the idea from Twitter,” Abbott bragged, “everyone kept saying I was Evil, or the most Evil person in Texas. I guess they meant like Evel Knievel, but it probably got autocorrected by those leftist social media companies. Anyway, I reckon I better give the fans what they want.”

When asked, all those who called Abbott “evil” on all forms of social media, confirmed that they meant evil not Evel. They did however add that the governor should feel free to partake in as many life-risking activities as he can.

Somewhere in between posts manipulating the value of Bitcoin, Musk tweeted, about the launch, “We’re gonna put that chair in ludicrous mode and send that guy into space, well… Mexican air space anyway. It would only be more bitchin’ if we were to attach dual flamethrowers on each side or maybe, like, add some naked tits. Right…”  

The Office of the Governor hopes this demonstration will show Texans and Americans how important it is to erect this wall on the border. However, when asked about his plan to get back to Texas, Greg Abbott simply told reporters he would just use one of the tunnels.