by Wil Henneberger
After so much recent tragedy brought on by gun violence in Texas, many are questioning Governor Gregg Abbott’s commitment to the safety of his constituents. The governor has continued to advocate for loosening firearm restrictions even in the bloody aftermath of almost back to back mass shootings in the state.
During a press conference last Sunday on the steps of his church Abbott told reporters, “I have been chosen by God and Wayne LaPierre to fight for the rights of gun owners in Texas so that no one should ever fear an attack on our rights from MS13 gang members, or even our own government, and especially from giant falling trees that can paralyze a man just going for a jog. I will not rest until every living man, woman, and child in this great state has enough firepower to blast a 200-year-old oak tree from here to kingdom come.”
Aside from his focus on enemy trees, many have noticed a lack of empathy, beyond superficial prayers, toward any of the families of shooting victims. This has led several medical experts to theorize that Abbott’s paralysis may have spread to his chest, making his heart as cold and dead as his legs.
When asked about this theory, conservative pundit and screaming conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones raspily claimed, “The only way my good friend Governor Abbott will be cured of this demon possession – OH I CAN SMELL THE SULFUR – and regain the use of his full body, would be if he hunted and destroyed every plant related to that tree that crushed him and also takes a regime of my special exorcism vitamins. Available for $149.99, plus shipping.”
At last account the governor was drawing up legislation to allow wheelchairs outfitted with machine guns to be allowed in churches.