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Dear Santa,


Dear Santa/Dad, 

I know that 2020 has been tough with mom divorcing you while you were in the hospital almost dying from Covid or as you say “covid plus comorbidities”, and I know it was hard when you finally got off the ventilator and found out that trump had lost the election and that mom married Mr. Rubenstein from the house across the street with all the Biden/Harris signs. And now that you are in the hospital with covid again after you doubled down on not wearing a mask, I wanted you to know that I don’t need you to do anything special for christmas and you don’t have to pretend to be Santa anymore. 

Mr. Rubenstein taught me that all that Santa stuff was just pagan-worship and that Jesus was really a false prophet. He also said I can call him dad if I want. We all watched Joe Biden speak together and it turns out that the reason he ran for president was all because of that rally you went to a few years back in Charlottesville. So I guess I should say thanks! If you decide to still not wear a mask, maybe you will be the first person to get covid 3 times, that would be kinda cool, I guess. Feel better, Mark.

Your son,

Timothy Rubenstein 10yo

Dear Santa, 

All I want for Christmas is the old Joe Rogan back. I do not like this new Texas version. It’s like moving to Texas released some sort of inner conservative twat. Now he is hanging out with the governor of Texas, who he claims is a “nice guy”. Good grief. I mean, I know Joe is basically an emotional and political chameleon who stands for nothing and everything, both good and evil at once. He is secular and spiritual, hairy yet bald, smart and still retarded… but at least in California the majority of the guests were decent humans for his gelatinous soul to mold into. Help me Santa!   

Jamie V. 37yo

Dear Santa, 

You are literally worse than Hitler. Enough of your Socialst bullshit! Me and my militia friend are on to you! You go around giving out these free toys in order to indoctrinate innocent children with your socialist propaganda. It’s no wonder my 6-year-old nephew is always asking me for free stuff. Everytime I babysit him, he’s like; Can I have some food? Can I have some water? Can I have my inhaler? Ben Shapiro was right, fuck his feelings, what a little cuck.

Last time he asked me for a hug, I set him straight. Hugs aren’t free! If I pay for my hugs, then he should too. Stay away from my nephew you mamasbasementlivingpedophilesocialistmarxistfatneckbeardhackerlibtard!

Ben W. 32yo

Dear Santa, 

With all the uncertainty in the world right now, in order for me to let you in the house this year and for your own safety, please abide by the following protocols. Any deviation from these specific guidelines will result in multiple Home Alone style traps as well as other more lethal measures. 

The passcode for the chimney will be based on a basic A1Z26 cipher,  The code is the first letter of each of your reindeer in ascending order of age. 

Once through the fireplace, mind the timed lasers. The timing pattern of the lasers is set to the Mariah Carey version of Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town – 143 beats per minute (Allegro). NOT THE BING CROSBY RENDITION. PLEASE SANTA REMEMBER THIS VITAL INFORMATION OR YOU WILL BE DESTROYED.

Also, please try not to wake up my dad, he gets his load on pretty good every Christmas Eve and he will 100% beat the living crap out of anyone he finds lurking about the house or property, magical animals included. 

Love, 1-14-7-9-5 8yo

Dear Sandra, 

I am losing my mind without you. I am a mess. I think I heard someone say that you are with some midgets in the North Pole. WTF Sandra? Look, whatever short dudes you’ve been banging doesn’t matter. I forgive you, and I’m sorry for all the times I black out cheated on you, and for all the times I cheated sober. And for all the times I cheated when I was just a little buzzed. I am 80% sure it is all out of my system now and we can have a great holiday season together and maybe for Christmas we can try that threesome with that girl I told you about. She’s down for anything. We can talk more about that later. How did you even get to the North Pole? I promise babe, I have the only pole you will ever need, but if you want to bring in another dude, I would do that for you Sandra. I’m not gay though, I just love you that much. 

Merry threesome… 

Troy 25yo

Dear Santa, 

Since we all know Santa is just Satan rearranged, I would like to take this time to speak to my/trump’s Corpus cult members. 

As your Congressman, THANK YOU again for everything you have done to undermine democracy this election cycle – your misplaced prayers, blind support, and delusional encouragement. They all have meant so much for my mixed-race family. 

This post election season has been hard on the entire cult as we wait for every legal trump vote to be counted. I led the efforts asking Attorney General William Barr to start a full investigation through the Justice Department into the immigration status of my Mexican wife and of my eldest mask-wearing no-good son, but mainly into voter irregularities in the Presidential election.

I will also continue to work on QAnon research relating to the election anomalies and devil’s magic voting machine computer boxes and its potential impact on these battleground states and I will read all I can on 8kun to find out how I have 3 children when I have never consummated my impure mud-marriage. Trust me white friends, I have deep insight into how the evil brown people worked to steal this election, since when I was young and my heart was stolen when I was fooled into a vow of marriage by a very devious dark-nippled woman.  

God bless, 

Michael Cloud 45yo

Congressman (TX-27)