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Dear Scabby (Nov. 2018)


Dear Scabby,
How are you handling the Beto loss?
Danny the Democrat

Hmm… Danny the D, it is mighty presumptuous to assume that I was ever a Beto supporter in the first place. Do you know nothing about me, you darling little progressive cuck? Just who do you think the lizard people call when they need someone who can service a whole lounge. They need a girl who can keep her mouth closed during off hours and open every other time. They need someone like me who has seen and swallowed it all, someone in front of whom they can take off the flesh suits and just be their lizardly selves. Remember, I am in the service industry, honey, and that means I have to do my part to keep the sexually repressed hooker hiring party in office and in front of those cameras so they are forced to sneak around when they need those slimy little lizard logs worked on.
The money I made from Ted Cruz alone was enough to pay off my college loans. Sadly, I could never make any real use of my Philosophy degree, though it does help me cope on those days when I’m three reptiles deep on an afternoon delight job and start to ask myself… Why? For the 200 bucks, that’s why. That’s always why.

Dear Scabby,
Has anyone ever told you that you remind them of Nancy Pelosi?
Jed for Ted

Hey man, not cool. Look, old Scabby does her best with what she has and when you go and say a thing like that it is truly devastating. A lady never reveals her true age, but lets just say that before The Great War, me and Nancy P.’s grandmother used to take trips down to Joshua Tree and scissor one another raw. It was more like Joshua seed back then.
So when you have been around as long as I have you learn some tricks to keep everything from falling apart, but I guess the 7-Up baths and the Taco Bell Fire Sauce skin treatments are no longer working their magic.

I may be looking at this the wrong way. As former and soon to be again, Majority Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi does, after all, hold the highest position to which a woman has ever been elected. Not counting sexual positions. Maybe I should be flattered by this comparison. Then again, she is also one of the most hated women in the United States.

I don’t know what to say. You have officially stumped me Jed… and you know what that means… you win a free BJ a week for life. That’s a prize value of anywhere from $5 to $30 since I will probably be dead in 1-6 weeks. Congratu- f*cking- lations.

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