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Dear Scabby,

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Dear Scabby,
Given the current scandal in Congressman Blake Farenthold’s office, I was wondering if you could tell us about your time working with him…
-Thanks, Political Perv

Dear PeePee,

Usually, I am as honest and open as a herpes sore when I writing, but I try to avoid the subject of politics. To be truthful, it’s kind of disgusting to me. However, in the interest of full-frontal disclosure, I will grace you with that brief chapter of my life.
Once upon a time, I was a dirty old crack whore walking aimlessly along Leopard, when one early morning a special john pulled up. He was high as a kite, though his body would be better described as hot-air-balloonish. He asked if there were any redheads around. I told him my hair was red where it mattered. Not a complete lie, the constant genital bleeding mixed with my grey-butterscotch pubes makes for a sexy scarlet fire crotch that can easily fool anyone beyond a slight buzz.
I flashed him the carpet and the remnants of cocaine around his nostrils told me he bought it. He popped the auto-locks and we drove to a driveway on the wrong side of Ocean Drive. He said it was his sister’s place. I told him about my family discount, he made a mental note.
I quickly went to work and within seconds I had earned my, what amounted to $17.56 and an American Flag lapel pin, once I cleaned the cup holders.
That was our first encounter and each subsequent rendezvous was exponentially magical. Soon I became a part of his daytime life, handing out flyers, working phone banks. Sure I was pedaling bullshit, but it was his bullshit. I knew I was in love because I did it all for free, even the sex. Except for butt stuff, butt stuff is NEVER free. Blake taught me that too.
It wasn’t long before Blake won his election and I was on the payroll as Special ASSistant too the Congressman. I think he knew that those 800 votes he won by, were in direct correlation to the 800 free BJ’s I gave on his behalf. That was one crazy afternoon. Of course, we used the same BJ strategy when he won two years later by 30,00 votes.
Then one day, he hired a new girl. I could see it right away, that same cooked-out glimmer in his eyes, but this time he wasn’t looking up at me from between my floppy thighs. He was looking across the room at that tramp. I knew in an instant that it was all over. She was everything I was, only 60 years younger and without the STD’s… yet.
Not more than a week after Lauren started, I found myself back on Leopard, down and out, back in the game. I went to the media and I made my claims, but nobody would believe that old Scabby could have been a part of the Washington D.C. elite.
Now, when you see me on the corner talking into the emptiness, it’s not that I am off my schizo pills… I’m just practicing what I’ll say to my special public servant the next time I see him. Sometimes though, I am just off my meds.

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