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We’re Here, You’re Queer, or You’re Quarantined


by Korbin Boomer Matthews

Corpus Christi, TX – Are you a heterosexual in Corpus Christi who is unsure who/what to do now that the Rainbow Revolution has taken over the Coastal Bend?

…you’re not alone! Don’t sweat it, straight! We’ve got the answers to all of your burning queer questions so you know what to expect now that Corpus Christi has officially become an LGBTQIA+ ONLY municipality.

“I was concerned at first” Rex Gabriel, popular host of C101’s Two Guys In The Morning remarked while waiting in line at the courthouse to file the last of his Rainbow Revolution paperwork. “Despite my buff physique and affinity for leather, I’ve been straight my entire life and I wasn’t 100% on-board when they first staged their takeover, but the gays have made this process really easy to navigate. I’m excited to start this next chapter as a bisexual gender-queer-self.”

Gabriel isn’t alone. As thousands of citizens make their way downtown to register, each formerly straight resident joins the throngs of individuals gathered outside the courthouse. The gaggle of heteros forming a line that stretches for more than a mile as they prepared to make sure that all of their dicks are in a row before Pride month comes to an end.

“You can run, but you can’t hide” Korbin Boomer Matthews eagerly explained when pressed for questions by outraged opponents at their June 1st press conference, the first day of Pride not only in the Coastal Bend but around the entire country as well. The directives laid forth by the gay militia, the heteros argued, were a sweeping violation of CC resident’s personal freedoms.

An uproar of “YAAAAS QUEEN” erupted as the LGBTQ+ community, a formerly marginalized and social minority in South Texas, relished in their newfound power.

The tense moment played out all over social media just hours after a flawlessly executed (and color coordinated) coup d’état rocked the notoriously sleepy city on the Texas coast. Described as “ferocious” by eyewitnesses, the uprising began with casual conversations on Grindr over the last handful of years but progressed rapidly over the month of May thanks to the covert organizational efforts of the Latent Lesbian Populace, or LLP for short, which normally is considered a butch but docile population.

Online gays and straights alike were “SHOOK” and wondered what would happen next now that the LGBTQIA+ faction is in charge. What could this mean for the average Adam and Eve out there, now forced to relinquish their former sexual and gender identities by pledging allegiance to the newly forged Pride power dynamic? The answers to those questions were simple. If they refuse they face being banished from the bay entirely come June 30th when the end of the month: no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

The militant collection of queers who referred to themselves as “Rainbow Rebels” wasted no time in asserting their dominance while swiftly enacting a sweeping referendum that catapulted citizens around the bay face first into an ultimatum: join the Pride party, or sashay away.

Although the renegade gays haven’t had any incidents of violence there were multiple reports of unsolicited makeovers and rumors of –mandatory brunch attendance accompanied with bottomless mimosas.

So fear not my friend, your new LGBTQIA+ life really isn’t going to be that much different from you’re previously heterosexual one. You’ll still keep your nine to five job, make meaningful and lasting relationships with friends, family, and significant others, and even enjoy your old favorite hobbies and pastimes. The only difference will be that if you don’t identify within the newly predominant sexual and gender identities, you’ll be openly persecuted, places in conversion therapy camps and have your lifestyle openly condemned in the vast majority of your social interactions…. But that’s not really that big of a deal, is it?

P- Paperwork!
Don’t delay, newfound gay! From filing your “Coming Out BirthGay Certificate” to registering for the highly guarded national gay-mafia database, there’s plenty of bureaucratic bullshit you need to complete before June 30th! (NO FILING EXTENSIONS, just hair extensions! So don’t even ask.)

R- Repost!
If it ain’t on the ‘gram, then you ain’t in the fam. Your social media must reflect your new gay self so slap on an inspirational profile filter and share your PRIDE DAILY AND AGGRESSIVELY. Also, feel free to flaunt your same-sex affection as often as possible on any and all of your online utilities.

I- Identify
This isn’t a “fake it til you make it” kinda thing. You’re gonna have to swallow your pride (and quite possibly some other things you might not want to) but it’s all for the best. The RR’s gaydar is set to hyper-queer so sissy that walk or butch up that strut, stat!

D- Detach
You must abandon all straighties-from-Hades who refuse to comply. Leave ‘em on read! Block ‘em! Burn their belongings! There’s no place for their biologically intended kind in our new world, so don’t stop until they’re all but erased from the 3rd coast and your long lost breeder memories.

No one is perfect…even us gays! If you or someone you love is struggling with lingering opposite-sex impulses that simply cannot be contained, you must enroll them or yourself in the government funded “Slay The Straight Away” hetero-reperative therapy faster than you can say “Queer Eye For The Other Queer Guy”. Although controversial to skeptics, the inpatient intensive psychosexual program does wonders to cure the stragglers who aren’t strong enough to forsake their straight attractions on their own. Nothing a little waterboarding, a hardcore gangbang, and nonstop Golden Girls can’t fix!

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