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Wake Up & Prepare to Kill

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by Wil Henneberger

Buenos dias, amigos! The Vent is proud to have teamed up with some of our most favorite male local weather personalities to put out this wonderful Hurricane Guide. For years the Vent has had a pretty adversarial relationship with local news outlets, seeing as working in local news made me who I am today. Now we are glad to put all that aside and work together to inform the public and possibly save some lives while hopefully only causing minimal deaths. You know, the greater good.

Now, what purpose does a Hurricane Guide actually serve? I do not know. But, this is South Texas and by-God we are going to have one as sure as we are going to have in-depth (and I mean really in depth, like creepy in depth) high school football coverage every damn Friday night. 

During Harvey, I was one of the holdouts that refused to evacuate and I will admit that, with the power out and very little, if any, signal on my phone, the methods I have become accustomed to using, pretty much left me hanging. Print media to the rescue! 

We hope that you will learn some valuable lessons in this guide, but what we can not stress enough is that when that hurricane makes landfall, it is kill or be killed. The winds and debris and storm surge are not all you have to survive. Think about all your horrible neighbors and the awful way they act on a gorgeous spring day, now just imagine how fast they will turn into murdering, marauding, menaces. If you learn one thing from this guide, we hope that it’ll be that during a storm, a real storm, you will need to be ready to kill. 

Brief Hurricane History

Hurricanes form when warm ocean waters, like those found in the Gulf of Mexico mix with Father God’s anger. The hurricane season begins June 1, when God starts to get angry about the hot weather and ends November 30 when He falls into hibernation after all the Thanksgiving turkey leftovers have been eaten. The peak threat for the Texas coast exists from August through September. This is when God is most angry due to all the Texan sluts wearing skimpy outfits and two-piece bathing suits. However, hurricanes can and have struck the Texas coast during every month of the hurricane season. Praise be. Since 1851, when people learned how to count, 63 hurricanes have struck the Texas coast. Before the mid 1800s people were much more godly, so hurricanes did not exist. I said, PRAISE BE!

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