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Trump vows: Turtles Will Pay For Sea Shore Funding


CORPUS CHRISTI – President Donald Trump’s executive order for a federal hiring freeze is leaving the Padre Island National Seashore (PINS) without a fully functional staff. At a press conference Monday morning the President doubled-down on his order and told concerned environmentalist that he would fix this issue by making the sea turtles and other freeloading animals pay for their own funding.

“When the ocean sends its turtles, they’re not sending their best,” Trump barked at press conference on Padre Island. “They’re not sending the teenage mutants. They’re not sending the ninjas. They’re sending turtles that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.”

Top economists have said that for many years Trump has tried and failed to infiltrate the sand-dollar market and now that he is President he can assert his authority to make sure he is a dominant power in the ocean economy. Advisors have continually tried to explain to Trump that Sand Dollars have no monetary value but he refuses to acknowledge the facts.

Patrick Gamman, a PINS Information Officer told reporters that he has been working around turtles and other sea life for over a decade and is fairly sure they do not operate within any sort of capitalist structure. However, Trump argued that we have no idea what kind of riches these stingy amphibians are hiding under their shells.22_kemp_turtle

“Even if Trump believes we can collect some sort of sand dollars from the turtles,” Gamman said, “the hiring freeze doesn’t allow us to fill any of the Fee Collector positions.”

This seems this has been yet another poorly executed Executive Order that lacked proper forethought.

Trump continued “They come in the United States and lay their Anchor Eggs just so they can gain citizenship in the best country in the word. If you ask me, we need a ban on these reptile extremists.”

BREAKING NEWS: Trump Bans Turtle immigration from 7 Muslim Seas

Trump has just now signed his latest Executive Order banning entry to the United States to any and all turtles originating from a list of seas he has described as being flooded with Muslim Kemps Ridleys.
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters that with the large crowds that gather for the Kemps Ridley sea turtles hatching and release events, it would only take one bad Tortuga to carry out another attack on US soil. He said this was just another step being taken by President Trump to keep America safe from the ongoing threat from our enemies.

“There are a lot of bad tortugas out there,” warned Trump, “and if they don’t want to give up those sand dollars they aren’t going to be welcome in Trump’s America.”

The list includes the Black Sea, Caspian Sea, Arabian Sea, Indian Ocean, Red Sea, Mediterranean Sea, and the Adriatic Sea. No word yet on what this means for turtles in mud-swim but sources say that Internment Kemps are already being constructed.

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