Texas GOP Blames Obama-Quakes on Presidents Failure to Curb Obesity

Recent seismic activity across the state has Texans in an uproar. While geological experts put the blame squarely on the increase of FRAC-ing, a method used to excavate natural resources, Republican leaders say ObamaCare is to blame.
Every Texas member of the GOP, from nobodies like House Representative Blake Farenthold, to Governor Greg Abbott himself, say that ObamaCare has once again placed the state and all American people at risk.
They claim these Obama-Quakes are a result of unprecedented obesity rates brought on by the presidents failing healthcare mandate.
“I’m not a doctor,” Ted Cruz reassured a crowd of Texans, all holding machine guns, “but it seems to me that more of these fatties are living longer, eating more and stomping around this great state so much the ground is falling apart.” He continued, “I’m also not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure this is how the dinosaurs went extinct four-thousand years ago.”
Governor Abbott revealed at a press conference on Tuesday, that he no longer felt safe leaving his brakes off, and will consider doing away with the state’s Food Stamp program in an attempt to “trim the budget along with these fat asses.”
Blake Farenthold, the representative for Corpus Christi, TX, which once held the title of ‘Fattest City in America’ released this statement after the second Obama-Quake.
“Sadly I have fallen victim to this latest in a long line of ObamaCare failures. Anyone who has seen me knows, I am a huge mess of obesity. It’s a wonder my house is still standing. Frankly, thanks to the President falling short on decreasing my bodily volume, I am now scared to partake in everyday normal activities like jogging or showering or even getting out of bed. To keep my family and constituents safe I have redoubled my efforts to do absolutely nothing that might cause another dreadful Obama-Quake. With my distinct proximity to the Gulf of Mexico, I fear it could result in a destructive Ty-bama-phoon.”
With the public demanding answers, the President interrupted programming on the Food Network Thursday evening to briefly address the nation’s fatsos.
While we do not agree that Obese-Americans are the cause of these quakes,” he stated, “I must say that… I thought Michelle was on this.”
Though there continues to be no solid link between obesity and the quakes, it should be noted that Whataburger profits were at an all-time high in the areas that were struck.

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