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Area Theater To Install Gun Holsters For Customers


by William Henneberger

Corpus Christi, TX – A press conference was held on Tuesday morning to announce new renovations at the Starplex 16 screen movie theater near Greenwood and SPID.

After much anticipation, Owners of Starples Cinemas revealed the next evolution in theater seating.

“We have all heard of 3D and even 4D and now Imax is a part of our everyday movie-going experience…” Esteban Trabajos, the general manager teased, “Let me introduce you to the newest innovation in theater seating! Its not only a chair for your asses, this chair is a chair for the masses! It doesn’t just hold you… it hugs you. Sure it has a cup holder like the last model, but did the last model have a gun holster? Ladies and gent… um men, say hello to the new iMex Theater lounger”

The crowd, which was composed of high school skippers, single-mothers talking on cell phones, holding babies who were crying into cell phones, and 10 year olds whose babysitters canceled, looked on in amazement.

Esteban continued, “These state-of-the-art loungers are not only equipped with cup holders for up to a 128oz beverage, the built in gun holsters can hold up to 42 varieties of handguns, as well as not 1, or 2, but 3 external magazines. The new seating also comes equipped with a wireless cell phone charging station, so you will never run out of juice. We know how terrible it is when you’re trying to make a call during the Steve Jobs movie and your iPhone pulls a Steve Jobs.”

Patrons were encouraged to try out the new IMEX seating in order to feel the entirety of the theatrical experience at Starplex. Guests were treated to a special screening of the unreleased Iron Man 4 where they proceeded to text and talk with out interruption for the 138-minute film.

“It was AWESOME!” said one 14 year old girl, “I was able to text through the whole movie with no problem and it even has wi-fi.”

One mother offered, “I was able to get some important calls out of the way and I couldn’t even tell there was a movie playing in the background. It was wonderful”

While most Starplex customers were pleased, some were already looking forward to the iMex upgrade, which is promised to offer technology that will deal with the theaters overwhelming rodent problem.

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