Corpus Cristino’s we all know the man, the myth, the tater-salad, so let’s get right into it.
V: Right off the bat, I could use a little bit of advice, I’m 35, two kids, and I’ve been married since I was 17 years old. And now I am getting a divorce. Do you have any tips for me to make that go smoothly?
R: Do you play golf?
V: I do not.
R: It’s the hardest thing in the world dude. It almost killed me. I’ve been divorced a few times and I’m not very good at it.
V: So you’re saying I should take up golf.
R: Take up golf. I used to play with Dr. Phil when I was going through my divorce and they were beating me up over a bunch of money. I was just a wretch, and we were playing golf one day. I said, “This divorce is killing me, Doc.”
He said, “Keep your head still when you putt.”
Doc said, “I can tell that when you make a put, it puts you in a better mood and when you don’t make a putt, it’s because you move your head. So, don’t move your head when you putt and you’ll feel better.”
“Thanks for the help doc”
You wonder if he gives unsolicited advice, he doesn’t even give solicited advice.
V: Switching over to politics. Last year you announced that you were officially running for president of the United States. Now that the presidential race is a little further along, do you feel comfortable sending any Ron White supporters to one of the other candidates?
R: Yeah, I certainly do, but I’m not going to say which one. I’m not going to stand on my soapbox and try to sway people’s opinions and they can vote for whoever they want to and whoever wins is going to be the president. So, I’m going to vote for whoever I want to and I don’t want to start arguments. When somebody like me goes out and talks about it, it just causes so much stank that I don’t want to get involved with it. You guys can all fight it out.
V: Do you have any more political ambitions for the future?
R: I have less now than I did then. I just got through shooting Roadies a series for Showtime. That was 16 hours a day and then I would tour on the weekends, so I plan on never doing that again either. My only job right now is to be a comedian. That’s what I’m comfortable with, that’s what I like doing. TV’s not that much fun, it’s sitting around all day doing absolutely nothing. I live right by three comedy clubs in L.A. Every night that I’m off I do three shows. Just working out the bits, hanging out and being a comedian. That’s all I am and that’s enough.
V: In corpus right now, NORML, the pro-marijuana movement, is lobbying City Council and the Chief of Police to give tickets for minor possession instead of arresting everybody they catch. Is there anything you would say to help further along that cause?
R: It’s such a ridiculous prohibition and it’s why I don’t live in my home state of Texas. They arrest my friends for smoking a little of God’s pot. It’s the stupidest thing ever, and the state has no heart when it comes to that. My best friend dies of cancer and they would not let him have cannabis oil, which helps. We watched it help after he had to illegally obtain it because Texas has no heart, no compassion.
I love Texas, but I love things about Texas. I love Austin, I love the Guadalupe River, I like brisket tacos, but when you start arresting people with your little Gestapo shit, I have no tolerance for it. We need to move on. We could spend all that effort on an all-out war on meth. That’s what’s killing the kids. I’ve been smoking pot since I was 13 years old and I function at the very highest level in one of the most difficult art forms there is. You think if I’d been doing meth for fours years I could do this? No. It’s harmless. That’s what I’d like to say.
V: Ok, well I have another personal question about me. My dad and I aren’t talking right now, but we are both big fans, and I wonder if you might help me explain to my old-school father, that I’ve had this magazine for 10 years, and raised two great kids, and that it’s ok to not to have a 9-5 job?
R: I never was a 9-5 working dad and my kid is wonderful. He works for me at my tequila company. He was raised by his mother for the most part but he traveled with me his whole life and he also had an amazing stepfather that I owe everything to.
Some people can’t stick your head in the sand in some cubicle job, and I’m one of those people who can’t do it. I started doing stand-up, not because I thought it would bring in much money, but because I knew it was what I was. I knew it felt right, so that’s what I did and I turned out just fine. So chill the fuck out, that’s what I’d tell him.
V: I heard you might have a great tequila recommendation for us?
R: Absolutely, drink Number Juan Tequila. It’s a tequila company that I own with my brother-in-law, it’s from Mexico. We’ve been drinking this tequila for fifteen years, there’s nothing like it and it’s never been sold here in the U.S. before. My brother-in-law found this distillery, it is the ugliest, dustiest distillery in all of Mexico, nearly dead dogs lying around and fat people in dirty shirts, but they make a tequila that is just off the hook. It is the best tequila in the word and the Extra Anejo is probably $50 cheaper than Don Julio 1942. They go to every competition we do and we beat them every single time.
V: Finally, what comedians are making you laugh these days?
R: You go to these clubs in L.A., I don’t hang out at the other clubs, I hang out at The Comedy Store. That’s my home club and it’s also the coolest place in the world for doing stand-up. When I go and do these sets, almost everybody’s funny, world class -there’s a couple of people who should have quit years ago but they’re hanging on for some reason- but, I don’t really know their names. If it’s a guy that I know that I like, I’ll go sit and watch him, but nobody is much funnier than Josh Blue. There is no cooler guy. He’s become, over the years, one of my best friends.
I love him and I love that I get to go out on tour with him, the crowd gets a one-two-punch, ‘cause Josh will beat you up. He won Last Comic Standing in ’05 and his content is so good and the way he delivers his material sets the crowd up for me because there are pauses in it and you have to wait for it because you have to wait for Josh. That gets them in the mood, gets them comfortable because I work pretty slow too.
I like long pauses, but sometimes people get so uncomfortable with a long pause that they feel it helps me for them to yell something. So I love it when Josh is on the show. We do a lot of them, but I wanted to take him down to Corpus.
Ron White will be at the Selena Auditorium on September 23rd, for more information visit americanbankcenter.com.