Scabby on The White House

I get it, all these people want to live in that fancy white house. Who wouldn’t? I’d be happy just to live in a white neighborhood. Some of us are going to have to accept that it just isn’t gonna happen. Some people just don’t belong in those houses and neighborhoods, and by some people, I mean Jews. Of course I am just kidding, there’s always room for a few of God’s chosen people in WASP country, and by wasp country, I mean what I called my vagina that time I found a beehive attached to my labia minora.

In all seriousness, I spent a little bit of time under the desks of some of the top advisers on the Docockus ’88 campaign. And way before that, in 1964, I was part of a group of grassroots goldwater supporters. We hated Barry Goldwater, but we were in favor of going out in the yard and peeing on each other, which at the time made more sense than anything old Boring Pisswater was spraying. I’ve been told that I have a one of a kind perspective and a never before seen STD cocktail in my pink beaker.

Bernie,
First off, you are alienating the Herpeed-American vote with your very insensitive slogan. That’s almost 25% of the population that is going to lean to Trump or Hillary simply because they don’t remind them of those nasty flare-ups in their dirty little ballot boxes.
Furthermore, you have got to do something to give yourself a more youthful appearance. Here are a few tricks of the trade. Trust me, I’ve been like 100 years old since the Reagan Administration…ah, good times. Try wearing your hair in pigtails. From a distance this will fool the average john/voter, and once they pull up to the corner just get in before they have a chance to reconsider. For loose skin, a little bit of man seed mixed with caliche dirt will form an industrial strength adhesive. Apply generously to loose jowls and floppy labia.Bernie Sanders
151119_DX_Hillary-Myths.jpg.CROP.promo-mediumlarge
donaldtrump428There’s nothing you can do about that Jisp (Jewish lisp), but it could be worse, you could have a big unelectable Jew-fro.
Other than all that, keep up the good work. As a woman I am still torn between you and Trump, but there is still time to woo me Bernard.

Hillary,
NOT A FAN. That said, for enough of an incentive I am easily up for some girl on girl action.

Donnie,
Right away, we need to address that fullet (f***ed-up-mullet). Donnie baby, the only reason to keep hair like that around is if you are using it to hide years of wear and tear. It’s the reason my pubes are longer than my bangs. Why not just manscape that head, it will add an inch to your size and you are already basically Lex Luther.
You madman, why are you talking about your penis at presidential debates? Sure every chance I get I bring up my stinky oval office, which to be accurate resembles the presidential office after it was set ablaze by British troops in 1814. What? I know stuff. Anyway, I will keep talking about my radioactive genitalia, because I am not the classy millionaire. Not yet anyway, but that will change for all of us once you are elected. Go Trump.

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