Listen up! Scabby gots something to say about this holiday shopping chaos that seems to have taken over the city. First off, if I almost get hit by some F150 driving, Costa sunglass wearing, overpaid base employee trying to turn in to La Palmera to get his side ass some Victoria’s Secret undergarments on his lunch break so his fat wife don’t find out, one more time, I am liable to kill the motherfucker. I don’t understand where we went wrong as a society. It’s like we’ve lost the true meaning of Christmas and it’s now all about the gifts and spending. Well Scabby is here to tell you cut the consumerism crap in exchange for more cost-efficient holiday ideas. I give you Scabby’s Favorite Money Savers for Christmas 2019.
- Scabby’s Medicine Cabinet Trail Mix
Mama always said the best gifts are homemade. Now is the perfect time to clean out the old medicine cabinet of your expired or near-expired medication from 2019. It really is the perfect gift for the junkie in your family. Not using those Tylenol 3’s from the root canal last February chunk them bad boys in a little goodie bag, toss in some of those Xanies your doc gave you when you went through that divorce a couple years ago, and add some Sudafed (the good kind, don’t be stingy it’s the holidays) for filler; tie a bow on that baby and voila you’re the Trap House Martha Stewart.
- Buzzball Christmas Ornaments
Nothing gets the festivities going like booze, right? So why not decorate your Christmas Tree with booze. Head down to your favorite neighborhood bodega and load up on some of those brightly colored Buzzballz in the ice bin. Hot glue some fishing hooks on those Santa’s little helpers and your tree will have never looked better. Plus, whenever those little ingrates start their belly aching because they didn’t get the new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo, or whatever is the hot toy this year, you can just pop open an ornament and forget about the little asshole for a minute. Hell, put a little in their sipping cup so they can take a nap and enjoy Scabby’s favorite holiday classic “Ernest Saves Christmas.” Boy do I love that Ernest. He sleighs me. Get it? Anybody can light up a Christmas tree but how many can say their Christmas tree got THEM lit?
- Hobo Santa
I don’t know if you have seen what they are charging for a picture with Santa over at the La Palmera lately but it oughta be illegal. Highway robbery I tell you. I am used to jolly fat men paying me to sit on their lap, not the other way around. So Scabby has the perfect solution for those parents on a tight holiday budget. My buddy Lars is the spitting image of St. Nick right down to the alcohol induced twinkle in his eye and the rosy cheeks. He reeks of livestock too. You can usually find him down around the picturesque Artesian parks most days and for the price of a Four Loko he’ll let just about anybody sit on his lap, even the little fatties.
- Posada Crashing
I don’t know if I’ve ever properly expressed Scabby’s love for my Messcan amigos. They’re always good for a party and hell their families are so big they almost never notice a few extra people at the pachanga. Christmas time is no different because our South of the border friends throw these nightly parties leading up to Christmas called posadas. So, if you see a bunch of them walking down the street, knocking on doors and singing songs, THAT is the immigrant caravan you wanna keep an eye on because it leads straight to a party full of free good food. I’m talking tamales, menudo, empanadas, chimichangas, the works. Best part is it’s a religious thing, so they can’t really kick you out. Denying someone shelter is kind of what the whole thing is about. Say a couple Hail Mary’s a sing a verse or two of Oh Holy Night and you’re in.
- Smokable Christmas Wreath
You know what I never understood about that movie ‘The Breakfast Club’? Why was that cute little Juddy Nelson whining about getting a carton of cigs on Christmas? Hell, I woulda killed for some Pall Malls under the tree when I was in high school. I was on pinterest the other day when I was checking my email down at the central library when it occurred to me that Marlboro Reds and Menthol make the most beautiful combination of holiday colors. If you’re going to spend money on decorations you might as well get something out of it. So get yourself a couple cartons and smack those puppies together with a glue gun and smoke em as you need em. Decorative and Functional. You’re welcome. There you go my little Hohoho’s you’re all set to spread some holiday cheer without breaking the bank, the Scabby way.