Local Democrats Excited About New House

by Wil Henneberger

Corpus Christi residents and proud Democrats Eric and Donnie Triunfo are super excited for 2019 and part of that excitement is due to their new House. Donnie, 21, is about to take his 3rd gap year away from the stresses of Del Mar College’s small appliance repair program and finally move out of his dad’s house. Eric, 18, is following in his brother’s footsteps.   

“This new house is so great,” Eric exclaimed, “it means not having to listen to that crazy old tyrant anymore. It’s a new year and there are a lot of changes planned, bruh!” 

Eric’s father, Presario Triunfo, has been a republican every since he suffered a work-related head injury that caused an IQ drop of 30 points. He now receives a government check and watches Fox News for several hours a day.

Scabby Rocks! (Dec 2018)

When the Editor told me that he wanted me to write about rock this month, I had a whole ‘nother rock in mind. Scabby don’t know to much about modern music. They say people usually just love the music from when they were teenagers. I can still remember the tubas blurping and the brushing on that old jazzy snare drum from my days as a young hooker on the east coast in the roaring 20’s. Then the depression hit and everything turned emo.  

Anyway lets start with Dallas, TX pop-punk band, Offended By Everything. They just signed with Standby Records and will release a new EP ‘Evergreen’ on January 4th, 2019.

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is some furniture (preferably a foot stool), some rope to practice my knots, and a heavy duty hook to hang a mistletoe.

Love, Raymond, 7

Dear Santa,

pleas ask mommy and daddy to shut the door when they practice CPR and reverse CPR (that’s what daddy calls it)

Thanks, Johnny 8

Dear Santa,

It was nice meeting you at the mall, but kind of awkward when you showed up at my house yesterday. However, thank you for the PS4 and the cold hands.

Scarred, Roman, 6

Dear Santa,

Here it is. The day we’ve been planning for months. Or at least I have, because this has been a fairly one-sided conversation. But I know you’ve been getting these letters. You have to have been, because where else would they be going?

Wake Up and Scoot

by Wil Vent

A lot of people who have known me for years tend to think that I don’t like Corpus Christi. Sure I’ve spent over a decade making fun of our small-town-city and the sometimes small-minded people that inhabit the area, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like my city. After all, anything is a step up from Kingsville, TX. When I think of Corpus Christi I think of her like a gay son in a religious family. Technically, as a father I have to love him, but I’m still gonna do my best to fix any problems. Yes, I am going to stick with this somewhat offensive metaphor…

The latest issue to rear its limp little wrist in our city has been the invasion of scooters. All this time you were worried about the Caravan heading to our southern border and you forgot to tear gas the scooters that were coming from all other directions.  Now it seems that our Council may regulate the scooter companies right out of town.

CCPD Gears Up for Snoop Dogg Arrest

With December 1st fast approaching and Snoop Dogg’s Puff, Puff, Pass Tour caravan currently on its way to our borders, the Corpus Christi Police Department has been in constant preparation.

According to unnamed sources from within CCPD, Chief of Police Mike Markle has been blasting Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell II album while taking shifts of SWAT Officers through multiple drills and scenarios that might occur once Snoop Dogg and his crew reach the city.

The caravan’s final destination is What-a-burger field where it is said they will attempt to gather thousands of local Generation Xers along with a few dozen Millennials to take their money in order to purchase drugs.

A spokesperson for the Tour told us, “This tour is comprised mostly of parents just trying to earn a living. They will have traveled thousands of miles before arriving and have overcome many hardships along the way.”

Dear Scabby (Nov. 2018)

Dear Scabby,
How are you handling the Beto loss?
Danny the Democrat

Hmm… Danny the D, it is mighty presumptuous to assume that I was ever a Beto supporter in the first place. Do you know nothing about me, you darling little progressive cuck? Just who do you think the lizard people call when they need someone who can service a whole lounge. They need a girl who can keep her mouth closed during off hours and open every other time. They need someone like me who has seen and swallowed it all, someone in front of whom they can take off the flesh suits and just be their lizardly selves. Remember, I am in the service industry, honey, and that means I have to do my part to keep the sexually repressed hooker hiring party in office and in front of those cameras so they are forced to sneak around when they need those slimy little lizard logs worked on.

PRINT IS DEAD! Get The Vent Magazine (FREE)

Get The Vent Magazine digital version for FREE.

Visit Us On TwitterVisit Us On FacebookVisit Us On Youtube