you don’t know me, but I know you. I’ve tried to ignore my feelings since the first time I laid eyes on you as you were sunbathing at the Staples Street Bus Station while taking a break from communicating with inmates at the county jail via hand signals, but this stirring in my heart simply can no longer be contained. Scabby, you are a goddess among mere mortals. From your pronounced cheekbones that make Nefertiti pale in comparison to the way you saunter around town exuding confidence in your tank top and second hand Bongo jeans everything about you tells me you’re the one. Scabby, if you would just give me a chance I know you’d feel the same way. Baby when I think about you, I think about love. Baby, if I live without you, I live without love. Won’t you be my bad company? Scabby baby, make me the happiest man in the world and say you’ll be my valentine. If you feel the same way, and you’re ready to give our love a chance, meet me on Valentine’s night wearing a Marlboro Red tucked behind your left ear at the top of the Law Office of Thomas J. Henry in downtown Corpus Christi. I’ll be waiting to perform the ultimate act of love by ending your miserable existence when I throw you from the roof onto some hipster’s Smart Car as they listen to their friend’s band play at the House of Rock.
your knight in shining camo
Oh my, I’ve read this letter just in time. Your words are like poetry that struck a chord from the purest part of my heart to the dirtiest, scariest depth of my loins. I can’t believe my prince has finally arrived, If my body could still self lubricate, you better believe my granny panties would be as moist as a day old muffin bottom. I was so taken by your correspondence that I didn’t even finish reading your letter. I’m on my way my love.