Low Classifieds

Looking for somebody to mow my lawn ASAP. Prefer someone willing to trade for advertising. Is there anyone out there mowing lawns in August who isn’t desperate for immediate cash and can appreciate the value of some old school marketing.
@theventnation

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Starting a Book club! Sorry, this is only for hot girls that like fat dudes. We will be meeting every other Thursday at 11 pm. Literacy not required. Email Wil for more info theventdaily@gmail.com

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Looking for musicians to start an all-asthmatic Weezer cover band. Meet for practice Saturday at 4 pm at Arnold’s diner – have eaten. Just don’t bring too many dudes.

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Seeking someone else as cool as me, for fun or romance, depending on genitalia. I am a 37-year-old, fat, dad of two who can get nearly any TV reference made. Candidates should be equally or more cool than me within a margin of 3% as calculated by hours of Netflix binged in the past week multiplied by failed ska bands in which you played horns and divided by aught indie band CDs within a 6-foot radius of your current position. Text me your CQ – Cool Quotient and let’s see where this goes. 361-549-6213
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Missed Connection: To the brunette in the Kia Sorento, outside the Wal-Mart Auto Care garage on Tuesday, Sept 4th. The one with the anit-Colin Kaepernick stickers all over your back window. You left before I had a chance to call you a racist ****! I’ll be at the same place at the same time all week long, hoping we can connect bro.

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Writers wanted. Send samples to my old Yahoo account that I keep open because it’s the only way that one girl from all those years ago would know to contact me now that all my social media accounts are under aliases. williamhenneberger@yahoo.com

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