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Los Real Henrys of South Texas

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As someone who fancies himself a South Texas satirist, I have to admit that this time around the family of local superstar attorney Thomas J. Henry officially has me beat. Hangin’ with Los Henrys launched on Youtube in mid-December and has garnered local as well as regional fanfare. The brilliant mocumentary series lands a poignant blow on the face of a generation fueled by ego and materialism. It is heartwarming to see a family come together like this for the common cause of making the world a better place.
The show follows the planning of young Thomas’ 18th birthday party which has a budget of $6-million. Through this tale, the family shows us what it truly looks like to disgustingly throw oneself into a world of frivolous spending and nauseating entitlement. It’s a cautionary story for anyone who dreams of owning cars and timepieces worth more than many people make in a lifetime.
Of course, after watching the first four parts of this amazing project, I had to sit down with the family and hopefully learn how to step up my game to help make people more aware in as big of a way as they have done.

Thomas J. Henry
Thomas J. Henry: First off, let me say that I want these interview to come out flattering. I don’t want to have to sue the shit out of you… [laughing] I really had you going for a second, didn’t I…

V: Haha, good one. Luckily, in case you were considering it, I’m poor AF.

TJH: Haha, that’s ok. I’ll don’t need money, I’ll take your miserable soul… I’m kidding. Relax.

Tom
V: Ha, yeah, …the power of Christ compels you…

TJH: What was that?

V: Nothing… Um. So, Hangin with Los Henry’s, was this your brainchild?

TJH: Absolutely, as a powerful attorney I am very busy cashing checks. Almost all day every day I have to be at this bank or that bank to cash checks. I’m talking big bucks, the kind they won’t let you leave with unless you are escorted by bank security. I’ve been so busy cashing checks over the last two decades that I missed the birth and conception of both my wonderful children. So this Youtube show really is my baby.
V: For the vast majority of people who haven’t seen the show can you give us a short description?

TJH:HwLH, as the kids are calling it, is meant to educate the young generation by sneaking into the bedrooms of young boys and girls right through their Wi-Fi connection. Kids today aren’t interested in hearing about the dangers of being garbage humans who only care about how many likes they get on Facebook or what kind of car someone drives. This show is meant to show the world how stupid we all look when we burn money so thoughtlessly or concern ourselves with material things.

V: Did you have any writing or producing experience before taking on this project?

TJH: Well, I’m sure you have seen my commercials. I’m proud to say that I write direct and edit all of them myself. It’s a passion of mine when I am out of the courtroom. Aside from HwLH, I am also in pre-production for a pilot I wrote entitled; Attorney General. It’s about I regular guy who is an attorney, but also a General in the army, and he uses his authority to go after child-abusers.

V: Interesting. What do you have planned for the finale of Los Henrys?

TJH: Well since nobody reads print media anymore, I can tell you. The season finale climaxes with the suicide of Teresa, the kid’s grandma, after she overhears Thomas’ plan to come out of the closet. It is a commentary on how the older generations need to let go of preconceived notions about sexuality. I’m proud that we were able to take Abuelita’s actual suicide from boring depression due to the onset of Alzheimer’s and turn it into something inspirational that gay kids everywhere will tweet about.

V: Awesome. So, uh, I was told when we were done you would have a free turkey for me… Thanks!

AZTECA

V: First off, let me say thank you for what you have done with your ‘dull-witted mom’ character in the series. So real. I mean, I know people who are actually like that.

Azteca: Oh, believe me, so do I. By the way, I am a huge fan of the Vent. I read it religiously when we lived in Corpus. To tell you the truth, the character I portrayed came very naturally to me. I think that deep down we all have this awful person inside of us and if we aren’t careful it can take us over. That’s why we did this project. Hopefully, with our disgusting display, we can save some souls from falling victim to themselves. The show has many levels though if you really examine it.
Azteca
V: During the show, you are continually seen carrying around the family dog, was this meant as a metaphor?

A: The dog is actually pure symbolism, William. You’re very keen to have picked up on that subtlety. Of course, the dog that must always be carried is the burden placed on women, especially on mothers, to coddle and indulge the men AKA the dogs of society. In some of the scenes that were cut from the show, the dog actually suckles at my breast to further emphasize the drain felt by women who give so willingly, but in the end, we decided that was too on-the-nose.

V: But what about the part when you made sure the girls for Thomas’s 18th birthday party would be topless?

A: Wil, Wil, Wil… don’t be such a dumb twat. The female entertainers were transgendered. My insistence on their toplessness was to allow them every freedom possible to feel the empowerment our society awards the female breast. The female nipple is a double-edged sword William. Would you like me to take my top off and demonstrate?

V: Um… yes…

A: Wrong answer. As one of your biggest fans, I am very disappointed in how you let society’s normative culture dictate your actions. You could really learn a lot about sexuality from my teenage daughter. I suggest you ask her about all of this.

V: I don’t know about that.

A: Do it!

MAYA

Maya: Did my mom try to show you her badass nips… she’s so woke, right?

V: Uh, for sure. We don’t seem to see you as much as the other characters on the show, why is that?

M: That’s a great question, Wil. It’s no coincidence that my screen time on HwLH is minimal. By design, and as a protest against my own cursed beauty, I sat countless hours with our editor to make sure that each character received the most screen time based on how homely or downright ugly they are. For too long, society has given far too much credence to something as worthless as beauty, and I’m here to fight an industry that turns teenage girl’s sexuality into currency…
Maya
V: Is it true you have had elected surgery to make yourself look less attractive?

M: Sadly this is a course that I have had to take to correct the over-abundance of gorgeousness with which I was bestowed at birth. I am still working on bringing my level of astonishing magnificence down to a point that doesn’t leave regular humans in my wake blithering and slack-jawed to the point of dysfunctional.

V: In episode 3 you all fly to LA to be dressed by a fashion stylist. Are you telling us that the real-life Maya doesn’t care about fashion at all?

M: OMG! I think the fashion industry is one of the most dreadful parts of human culture. People are starving right here in South Texas, let alone in the third-world.
If I could walk around naked and save even one person from starvation don’t you think I should do that?

V: Absolutely!

M: Do you have any more questions?

V: I’m sorry what?

M: You’ve just been sitting there with a strange look on your face for like 3 minutes.

V: Oh, right. Uh…where do you see your character going in the series?

M: To be honest, I don’t know how much longer I can participate in the project, as far as being on camera. I find it harder every day to look at my flawless, perfectly symmetric face in the dailies without hating myself for what my beauty does to this world.

THOMAS

V: Dude, Thomas you are really killing it on the show.

Thomas: Let me just say that you are coming off very artificial and even a little bit aggressive.

V: Oh, sorry. I think I am just a little star struck.

T: If I’m a star, I’m surprised you can see me through all the air pollution.

V: Ok… So the show is all about your extravagant 18th birthday. What kind of thought did you put into how you wanted to wake people up with your portrayal.
Thomas
T: I really wanted to use my character on the show to epitomize the douchebaggery of being one of those people who care so much about impressing his friends with private planes and stupid cars. I mean what 18-year-old would really care as much as my ridiculous caricature did about watches. Can you imagine something more stupid?

V: You seemed to play up the virginity of your character, was this intentional?

T: I did accentuate the virginity of my character as nonverbally as my novice acting skills allowed, but I want everyone to know that I actually am a virgin IRL, and I’m proud of it. My character identifies as gay but in reality, I have actually been chemically castrated for many years now due to an overactive sense of sexual entitlement from a young age. Father and Mother thought this best after I was kicked out of school after school for panty peeking at one too many female schoolmates. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve grown content with my asexual existence. Besides, I have my hobbies, knitting my own clothing and gardening mostly.

V: How come you are always in a crouched position?

T: Don’t you get it? If all humans would just squat we’d all take up half as much space on Earth.

V: Hmm. I’m guessing you probably don’t drive that 488 Ferrari Spider you got on the show?

T: That would be absurd. I am very proud to say that if I’m not riding my bike to the nearby farmer’s market, to buy only what I need for immediate sustenance, then you will most likely find me supporting one of the many forms of local public transportation.

V: Wow, that’s very environmentally responsible.

T: Long before I turned 18, I realized that I am the only one responsible for my carbon footprint. No one else is going to make me recycle my own excrement into my garden, or churn my urine and phlegm into a paste that can be used as a soap. But nobody wants to see a show about that. In order to get through to this rotten generation of conformists and consumers, we have to put on a little parable for them to understand. The whole thing is just very sad… but it was either this or set myself on fire under the Tower of the Americas and I’m saving that for the series finale.

R.I.P. Abuelita Teresa
Teresa

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