Local Terrorist Has No Interest in Bombing Sh*tty Hometown

After the tragedy in Boston, Corpus Christi authorities have stepped up security around the city especially with multiple annual celebrations in full swing.

Several city officials as well as law enforcement administrators quickly released reports that claimed the city’s biggest threat was a 22-year-old radical Muslim of Russian descent, Djanco Unchankvro.

As pictures of the young, still innocent, citizen began to appear on local media Djanco Unchakvro quickly called a press conference, and while this could have in itself been a trap, the local news outlets showed up without question.

“Sure the thought crossed our minds that Djanco could be planning to blow everybody up,” explained an unnamed assignments editor at KRIS, “so, we took a vote and everyone in the newsroom picked Janine Reyes to cover the event. If that isn’t democracy, I don’t know what is.”

At the gathering, which was carried live on all local networks, Djanco assured viewers that he had “no plans whatsoever to do any harm or cause any damage or destruction and especially no loss of life to anyone in this backwards town that nobody more than 200 miles away has even heard of.”

He also told the media that, “When the time came for him to perform Jihad he would take his Jihad to a bigger, well-known or more progressive city, like Austin or San Antonio, if he has to settle.”

While most were happy to hear this news, to some younger community leaders it was yet another reminder of the ‘Brain Drain’ Corpus Christi is experiencing.

Local arts-enthusiast and organizer Joe Hilliard said, “This is a perfect example of how smart, young, motivated people are catching the first flight out of Corpus as soon as they graduate. They could be headed to Austin or Seattle or even Manhattan for all we know, but we can say for sure they have no interest in sticking around this dinosaur of a town.”

On a final note, local Police did say that Djanco would have to take a bus if he wanted to go anywhere, as he is now on a no-fly list.

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