On air radio personality Eric Von Wade is known for regurgitating the same garbage over and over. For years he has talked to himself about his far-right, gun-toting, ultra-conservative opinions, while a few others with broken radio dials or faulty cerebrum listened in. He has now allegedly graduated from beating a dead horse to beating his live girlfriend.
According to the police report, officers were called to von Wade’s residence, where he was acting like some “roided-out jealous insecure teenager”. He was witnessed verbally abusing his girlfriend who friends describe as being very open-minded in the bedroom to some not-so conservative requests by the Republican.
When his bloody-lipped girlfriend told police that he had assaulted her Eric von Wade was arrested and spent the weekend in the county jail holding facility. Upon his $2500 bonded release, the professional talker who peppers his hardnosed beliefs about politics and his questionable views on feminism with outdated Seinfeld references and misogynistic innuendo took to the airwaves. He used his platform to piss and moan about the harsh treatment by police that no well-known white male should ever have to receive just for “scoring a 50-yard cunt punt”.
Officer von Lanken of CCPD said in regard to von Wade’s claims, “We don’t have a problem dealing with most people, but if you are a child molester or someone who likes to allegedly abuse women, you best expect to be treated with a little bit of attitude. It’s the price you pay for being a piece of trash. Also, I voted for Hillary.”
A psychologist familiar with Eric von Wade and the current situation believes the weight lifting and overcompensation in the areas of manhood along with a strong sense of Metrosexuality are the signs of someone dealing with the frustrations of living in the closet.
“We see this a lot amongst Republicans.” Says Dr. von Braun “They think they can suppress these urges and continue to live a lie while, at the same time, speaking out against the very thing that they wish they could outwardly enjoy. The pressure becomes too much and eventually, the individual becomes violent, or worse – a really awful cliché.”
Luckily, Eric von Wade is used to being a cliché.