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Local and Federal Politicians Debate Over Lack Of Gum Control

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There is no denying that gum control is lacking in America. One local group recently did something to make a difference, and in this climate of apathy toward citizenship, their perseverance paid off.

The Families Against Gums group spoke before city officials last Tuesday and convinced the local lawmakers to administer a citywide ban on gums.

Janice Brubaker, a local dentist asked the government to step in, on this issue because she says, “Gums are destroying our youth!”. “You think its fun to play with gums, and everyone thinks they are so cool when they are holding a gum, but with what these gums can do to your gums… to put it simply, it’s gum violence.”

Another local politician was also in council chambers to voice his opinion on the issue. Congressman Blake Farenthold, a long time Gum enthusiast who is suspected of having close ties to the gum lobby, told the Mayor that to ban gums would be an attack on our personal freedoms, and that he would do whatever he could on a federal level to make sure that every person in his district could have as many gums as they can carry and then some.
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“This is ridiculous,” Blake exclaimed. “These FAGs are trying to invade my mouth and tell me what I can’t put in there. Well, even if I have to work to create a constitutional amendment that says FAGs are bad and Gums are good, then I will spend the rest of my days in office doing so.”

He then brandished several gums and stuffed them into his mouth until he could no longer speak.

Then to the podium came a quite old FAG member to tell his story.
When asked by the council to explain why he felt so strongly on this matter, Jamie Gonzales, a local middle school janitor tried to find the words, but was overcome with emotion. It was obvious that gums must have had a huge impact on his life. With a final whimper he managed to cry out, “So many Gums! Why so many Gums at the schools… under the shairs.”

The outcry was the final straw and the Corpus Christi City Council knew they were dealing with a real problem. They banned gums within city limits as of Tuesday June 3rd. Mayor Nelda Martinez, spoke to the press after the meeting and explained that it was the FAGs that led her to pass this gum ban.

“If parents can’t protect our children out there from the dangers of gums, then the city needs to step in and do our part. I spoke to some underclassmen at Ray High School recently and it seemed that every other kid had brought gums to school. That is simply unacceptable!”

City Council added to this new gum statute a provision that allows police who come across anyone with a gum, to shoot them in the f***ing face.

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