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Letters to the Vent (Oct. 2019)

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Dear Mr. Vent, 

      I am a long time reader of your paper ever since I accidentally picked it up thinking I was grabbing a copy of my favorite regional arts and culture magazine, [redacted to protect the identity of pretentious music magazine]. And I guess that is why I am writing. Have you ever tried being more like [redacted name of vessel for peddling uninspired paintings of old country singers]? They have really good articles with interviews with musicians I’ve actually heard of. You can really tell the time and effort they take into putting together each issue. Your paper reads more like it was all written in one night by the same person. I thought you might want to give it a try. I mean how much longer could this whole “Corpus sucks” schitck you got going on possibly last,right? Think about it. Just trying to help. 

Sincerely, 

Blowing Off Some Steam

Dear Wil Vent, 

Hey great news! Your deadline to turn in the pages of this issue has been extended. So take a break from writing for 30 hours straight and take a nap good buddy. Everything will be just fine. In fact, turn in the pages whenever you want to. I know it doesn’t make sense, but didn’t you hear that we have figured out a way to send the pages back in time so that no matter when you finish them, they will be available at the 1st of the month. Doesn’t that sound great? And while we are at it, here ya go… it’s your middle school crush Natalie, she left her husband and kids and wants to have a fling for a few weeks. What’s this… a pill that makes you instantly thin and rich?! Here you go. Everything is going to be alright. 

Love, 

Your Dreams

Hey, 

HEY… HEEEEEYYY. WAKE UP. Dude, you are drooling all over me. You can’t be comfortable. Are you even still alive. The way your head crashed down on me, I think you might actually be dead. Is this drool or blood? 

Listen man, it’s the night before your print deadline and you are passed out on me. You need to do whatever it takes to wake yourself up, jerk off or take a Ritalin. In fact, crush the pill and snort it like the procrastinating lunatic you are.  

Sincerely, 

Your Desk

Dear Dumbass, 

DO NOT CRUSH ME. That is not a good idea. In pill form I maintain certain time-release attributes and if you snort me up then you are basically just doing meth. I know that you think that will help you finish all this writing you have to do but trust me, you do not have what it takes to be one of those great drugged-out writers. I mean you’d be lucky if you ever come close to penning some, great American short story, let alone a novel. Maybe it’s time to call it quits. You’ve had a great run. Be honest with yourself, wouldn’t you rather be binge watching Justified (the FX Original Series) instead of writing silly letters as inanimate objects?

Concerned, 

Your last Ritalin pill 

Howdy there, 

Well, I never thought that I’d find myself midst what seems to be the nervous breakdown of a halfwitted writer losing what’s left of his bourbon-pickled mind. Has me wondering just what kind of poor life decisions you made along the way ‘got you pinned up in such a manner. 

Now look, you just keep those hands on that keyboard where I can see em and we’ll be headin’ in a d’rection wher’ everybody stays breathing. 

I’m sure this can all be resolved simply enough. Just use your words. Keep me from usin’ m’ bullets. Now you got a job to do. You made a commitment and now yer gon’ honor it.

HANDS. Now that’s the second time I said it, there won’t be a third. 

Son, you started this periodical and now it’s time to get ‘er done. I can see you’re thinkin’ ‘bout givin’ up, maybe take the easy way out. Let me tell you right now, it ain’t worth it.

This will not end good for ya. Son…

BANG!,

Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens

Dear Prime Customer, 

It is with great concern that we contact you regarding your recent binge of all six seasons of the FX original show Justified, starring Timothy Olyphant. It seems that you were able to view all 52 hours of this show in under a weeks time. While this is a notable feat, we must inform you that this is very unhealthy and that if you proceed to operate on such a schedule, Amazon will need you to sign a waiver relieving the company and the Grand Wizard Bezos of all liability. By the way are you super hyped for the new season of Goliath?

Love,

Jeff

Dad,

I am trying to watch something on Amazon Prime. How are you using all 4 screens at once. Maybe it’s time you get your own account. I am changing the password, I think that is for the best. You watch way too much TV. 

Logging out of all devices,,

Your son

Dear Pansy-ass magazine, 

I see that you finally got off your ass and decided to write some obituaries for this issue. Well, whoopty f***ing doo! Do you want some kind of award for doing what you should have done weeks ago. And another thing, where’s the obit for your old friend Rip Torn? What’s the matter, my death wasn’t funny enough for you. You better right me up an obit pronto or I’ll be over there in two shakes to kick your pansy ass. And stop spreading that rumor that I was the voice of the Whataburger commercials.  

Your pal, 

Rip Torn

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