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Letters to the Editor (Nov. 2019)

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Dear registered voters,

WTF? The turn out on November 5th was absolutely pathetic. It’s like most of you didn’t even know there was anything to vote for. Well, there was. There was like 10 or 12 amendments to the constitution, I’m pretty sure it was just the Texas constitution, not the actual one that Nicolas Cage stole because it had a treasure map on the back. I think.

There was a ton of important stuff in those amendments and I am very disappointed that so little of you showed up to the polls to have your voice heard on serious matters like, uh, like if some money could help make some more pipes for water to get to poor people. That’s pretty dang important right?

How about that one that gives a portion of sales tax to retired police dogs or something…

Y’all won’t be too happy when the Texas Rangers show up at your door to enforce the new conscription laws that require all able-bodied Libras and Scorpios to serve for 8 weekends each summer as border wall guards. I bet you wished you showed up to vote now, don’t ya.

Voting is our civic responsibility, and the few that did show up on Tuesday all got together and voted that everyone that didn’t vote are officially declared to be turds, I mean they have to eat turds. Yeah, they are all turds who have to eat themselves. That’s right we voted on it and you weren’t there so you have to just believe me on this.

Maybe now you will learn your lesson,

Mayor Joe McComb

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Dear Mr. Vent,

    I hope this letter finds you in time as I am sure you are already planning your big December wrapping paper cover issue and I just wanted to say, STOP! I’ll admit the first year I saw it I chuckled. In fact, it was probably the first copy of your rag I ever picked up because well, I actually needed some wrapping paper for a white elephant party at work. The guts of the issue (the useless part) sat on the floor board of my Corolla for months before I finally read it. The next year I saw you run the same gag, and I thought “not as funny as the first time, but whatever.”  As the years went by and I witnessed your attempts to make this a thing I thought “either people really dig this self-deprecating gift wrap bit or this guy is more delusional than I thought.” And since I have never actually met anyone in this city other than myself that has used your paper as gift wrap, I am going to bet on the latter. People probably stopped picking it up because they don’t know what to do with the rest of it. So, before you fire up your bootleg copy of Photoshop to “design” this year’s gift wrap cover I strongly urge you to just make the entire thing gift wrap. No Scabby Does Kwanza or some pseudo-political satire about the city council that only people that eat at Hester’s will understand. Just gift wrap. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Mayor Joe McComb

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Dear Vent,

We are freaking out over here and are hoping you and your readers can help us. We heard there is another cold front approaching and I fear that my family might not make it through this one. We only have a few hoodies and one blanket between the 8 of us and they say it’s going to drop down into the fifties. THE FIFTIES, BRO!!!

Can you please have your wealthy readers send over some real winter coats and possibly some of those thick blankets from Mexico with the pandas on them? If not, I fear that we will have no choice but to cut open our dogs and sleep in their bellies like on that space movie. 

We hope to hear from you soon, until then we will be awkwardly cuddled together naked, strictly for warmth this time

Hurry!

Mayor Joe McComb

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