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Letters From Santa (Dec. 2019)

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Dear Trump Supporters,

Maybe you don’t realize this, but I am a foreigner… I know you all like to think that your favorite people like Jesus and Ted Cruz are white and while I am pretty white, I am by no means an American. If you bothered to pick up a book now and again you might know this. Part of the reason I am canceling Christmas indefinitely is because I don’t appreciate getting cavity searched by Border Patrol every time I cross into the U.S.

Yours,

Democratic Socialist Santa

Dear City Councilman Michael Hunter,

You have been very naughty! It seems you haven’t been keeping accurate financial campaign data or filing your finance reports properly. Now, on top of the $3,000.00 fine you have to pay, you can also expect a huge lump of coal in your stocking. I’ve seen this happen many times with children of politicians… Tell us the truth Mikey, your heart isn’t in this whole politics thing, is it? You don’t need to go through all this just to get your dad’s approval. Your dad is the great Texas House Representative Todd Hunter. It’s better for you to realize now that you will always live in his shadow and reap only whatever spots in local government you can achieve by name-recognition alone. 

Embrace the shadows,

Santa Daddy

Dear Mr. Vent,

            I am writing to you because I have a confession to make. I stopped reading your paper a long time ago. I don’t remember the last time a read one of your stories and thus have no idea if there has been any improvement at all (my money is still on NOT though). I usually just pick it up to see if you keep printing my letters and to my surprise every month, you do. I kind of admire you for that. Not a lot of people are able to take criticism let alone pay to publish it for all the world to see. And by world of course I mean the strip club/smoke shop patrons of the greater Corpus Christi metropolitan area. You obviously have a great sense of humor about that whole thing or you’re so desperate to fill some pages that you’ll print almost anything I say. And that’s just great from where I’m standing. Like many fine “Corpus Christinos” (you’re still trying to make that happen right?) I walk a line daily somewhere between misery and complacency. I work all year long at the workshop, dealing with crazy magical scaly midgets. It helps to be able to take out all my frustrations on you. I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to vent, Mr. Vent. Happy Holidays to you and your estranged family.

Sincerely,  Kris Kringle

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