News Anchor Births Low Ratings Baby

In what has become an all to familiar story, KRIS, the low-rated local news station, has bumbled yet another attempt to make waves in the Corpus Christi media market.

This time the failure comes at a high price, putting their anchor, Jennifer Lira, out of commission and off the air for at least 3 months.

In an attempt to compete with the KIII sponsored pregnancy of Katia Uriarte, as well as the birth of her offspring, KRIS impregnated their anchor who has also now given birth to one of the lowest rated babies in television history.

Jennifer Lira, who has always been seen as a team player released the following statement: “As I look into the eyes of this lovely thing, I know now that my purpose in life is to do whatever it takes… to move mountains if necessary, even brutalize my body in order to entice 13-18 year old female viewers, and the best way to do that was to relate to them directly with this pregnancy.”

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Originally the station had planned for a May sweeps delivery, but after Katia gave birth, the decision was made to induce at the next possible date.

“While, Baby Lira did win his time slot, the over all ratings were very disappointing,” explained Barbara Beresford, Director of News Brands and Marketing at KRIS. “Baby Katia scored off the charts in all the key demos, rating an 85% share in females 24-35… That is simply unheard of in the baby ratings industry.”

“In hindsight, we should not have lead with the story,” Beresford continued. “We may have increased viewership by 20% if we had hammocked it between Weather and Sports.”

The total cost of this sweeps debacle came to over $47,000 in medical bills, including everything from delivery costs, to a hefty regimen of vaginal rejuvenation.

While Katia has remained silent on the matter of this rival infant, Joe Gazin was overheard saying that “…they wouldn’t beat us out in the ratings even if Jennifer Lira ate her own baby live at 10pm at a high school football game…”

The KZTV station owner told sources that, while such an act has not yet been discussed with Lira, they are willing to do whatever is needed in order to hike up the price of commercial spots even a few pennies.

 

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