Dear Scabby, I know you are a huge music muff, I mean buff… Who was your favorite inductee into the Rock-and-Roll Hall of Fame?
It’s nice to get a question about music. I don’t get to write about the other universal language very often. I have been intrigued by music ever since my uncle first showed me his piccolo. And one time at band camp… I was fired from my counselor position after encouraging those nice high school girls to get creative with their instruments.
Anyway, R&R Hall of Fame, where do I begin? Of course I have bedded most of the inductees over the last 30 years. As an honored member of the Cock-in-Hole Hall of Fame, catering to rock legends comes with the job.
Most people know that the Great Bill Withers wrote “Ain’t No Sunshine” with me in mind. What the public doesn’t know is that “sunshine” was the ironic name Bill & I gave to my vagina, even though it’s literally like a black hole from which light cannot even escape, also Matthew Macaughnaha had to travel in and out of it to save humanity… at least that is what I told him.
Ringo Starr, the legend, the first rock-n-roll time-keeper, the Sketchers Shoes spokesperson. Yes, I spent many rhythmic hours with Ringo. I remember every time he tightened my skins to get just the right sound out of me. Sadly, he always had to settle for sloppy fourths, but that’s just the life of a drummer.
I hadn’t met the Green Day boys until this year’s Hall of Fame after-party, but I am quite familiar with dookie. Billie, Mike and Tre had their way with me for 1,039 rough slappy hours. Tre Cool got ‘quad-luke-warms’ meaning he still had to go fourth. I know they are only a three-piece, but at some point in the night, Miley wandered in. After what Billy Ray did to my Achy- Breaky Heart back in ’93, you better believe I was gonna take full advantage of his daughter. With all the dirt in my hair and the two black eyes, (which I received after an altercation with two black guys, I’m not gonna name names, lets just say it was a Legend and a Wonder) I gave Miley some molly and told her I was Joan Jett and she showed me her “J” pasties.
All-in-all, it was a grand night and by some medical miracle, when Miley and I scissored, our STD’s somehow interacted in a way that cancelled one another out. Unfortunately, that was too late for Billie and Mike. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned about the benefit of drummers bring up the caboose. All I know is I love rock-n-roll!
Mi Amor Scabby,
Greetings from Cuba my brown little angel. It has been a long time. This ridiculous embargo has kept us apart for decades, but I want you to know that your 90-mile wet channel was the reason I have worked so hard to mend relations with your president. I look forward to taking advantage of your services in the very near future. Love, Raul C.
Raul, my love,
I am so happy to finally hear from you. I do have a small confession to make, my brown complexion has less to do with my ethnicity and more to do with the fact that I am covered from toe to forehead in scabs. I hope this doesn’t change the way you feel about me. After all aren’t we all the same inside, broken, decayed and riddled with VD? If you peel me, do I not drip bloody pus? I do… a lot.
Still, when I think of you Raul, I always remember that time you and Fidel put your missiles in my bunker, Those were the good old days. 1955 was the year, if I am not mistaken… We would listen to Frankie Valli as you and your brother would put your franks in my valley.
I can’t wait for this exchange of commerce to commence, maybe we can even set up a Whorin’ Exchange Program. I hope I can get down there for a threesome while your brother is still alive, or at least before he has been dead too long. You two have always been my favorite cummunists.