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Hurricane Check List + Supply/Weapons Kit

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by Bill Vessey

The Vent recommends that you have the following items a be ready to kill your fellow man.

The Vent recommends that you have the following items in your hurricane supply kit.

*Food – At least a 7-day supply of non-perishable “edibles”, baked goods may get ruined in the rain so opt for gummies whenever possible.

*Drinks – ONLY pack energy drinks, this will help you stay alert while you are tripping balls on your weed food.  

*Fully charged laptop, phones, and iPads – Remember to download plenty of episodes of The Office and other comedies to take your mind off all the death and destruction.

*Flashlight – for light and a Fleshlight for the dark.

*Batteries are very important, put a few big ones in a sock for a weapon.

*First aid kit – Band-aids are a good source of fiber, especially used ones.

*Do Not worry about hygiene items, there is no concern for sanitation post-apocalypse.

*Kitchen Accessories – lots of knives and a manual can opener to slowly torture the weak into giving up where they hid their food supply.

*Tire repair kit, booster cables, pump, and flares – also for torture purposes. 

*Cash – to burn for warmth. Paper money also has no value when all Hell breaks loose. 

*Extra clothing and blankets to construct new friends when you inevitably have to kill everyone around you.

*Matches in a waterproof container – matches are the new money.

*Important documents like; that Amazing Fantasy 15 (1962) comic book, which introduces Spider Man; the autographed Baha Men cassette j-card you got at that meet-n-greet; and your 12th grade yearbook – Go Brahmas! 

*Meds – uppers, downers, hallucinogens, prosthetics.  

*Formula, diapers and pacifiers to keep baby alive until you need to eat it. 

*Don’t forget your dogs and cats, they will be your new wives. 

*Tire repair kit, booster cables, pump, and flares – also for torture purposes. 

Final Check Lists

Actions to take when a storm is in the Gulf

*Listen frequently to radio (ask an old person what this means)

*Tie your mobile home to something heavy, like your mother-in-law.

*Take apart the kid’s half-pipe to board up the windows.

*Store light weight objects, such as lawn furniture and toddlers.

*To prevent theft, set fire to vehicles that are not being used.

*Do not trust local officials, they are just as scared as you and will use their authority trick you. There is no law during a hurricane. 

*Be the last on your block to evacuate so you can loot all the other houses safely.

Final actions to take if LEAVING.

*Move all propane tanks near your worst neighbors house.

*Eat and drink everything in your refrigerator and freezer. 

*Lock home and set bobby traps. 

Final actions to take if STAYING.

*Close storm shutters except for the window you will be shooting from.

*Notify family members that they are disowned. Everyone for themselves.

* Lower water level in the swimming pool by one foot by doing several cannonballs. 

*Put dry ice in freezer and use it to create a fog to throw off intruders.

*Be prepared to turn off utilities to give yourself the advantage over strangers in your home.

*Board up remaining doors (DO NOT trap yourself)

*Take refuge in a predetermined safe room, such as an interior closet – if needed come out of the closet with pride and defend yourself. 

*DO NOT EXPECT EMERGENCY RESPONDERS TO BE OF ANY ASSISTANCE DURING A LANDFALLING HURRICANE – IT IS LITERALLY THE PURGE TIME.

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