Governor Proposes Republican/Democrat Bathrooms

By William Henneberger
Graphics by Jared Henneberger

In order to calm the minds of concerned religious voters all over Texas, Governor Greg Abbott has proposed a law that will segregate public restrooms. The new decree mandates that there now be separate restrooms for Republicans and Democrats in every public and private establishment in the state, including homes.
This comes on the heels of legal battles in several other states, over which restroom facilities transgender Americans should use.
The details of this new initiative, which some are calling slightly hateful and offensive, state very specific requirements for each lavatory: Every republican restroom should consist of several units within the main room. There will be a private area for women who were born women as well as men who were born men, and also an area for children who were born children. There must be adequate gun storage space for all occupants along with a Gideon’s Bible and copy of the U.S. Constitution next to every commode. Furthermore, there should be private areas for closeted, gay republicans to safely and secretively enjoy each other’s rectums while not disturbing their public stances against such activity.
The democrat facility should simply have a drain in the middle of an open room toward which the freaks can point their Frankenstein genitalia and excrete whatever deposits their gay lovers left in them the night before. There must also be Bibles and Constitutions available in the giant heathen toilet room, but they will probably be used to wipe with since they might as well literally do what they have figuratively been doing for decades.
“This new law would take into account the safety of our Republican children,” Governor Abbott shouted from a stall to Lt. Governor Patrick who was at a nearby urinal, “not to mention that the right to piss and dump with our own kind is the way God intended it to be. Let those liberal perverts have their Sodom and Gomorrah bathrooms where they can dump-out their family values and drain their abortion holes.” NMC_12abbott4
The Bill also went on to state that if smaller, less financed communities cannot build and maintain properly approved facilities based on these new strict guidelines, Democrats will have to travel to larger cities where the legal restrooms are available. Finally, it read, there shall be no sanctioned facility for the Green Party, they can just sh*t the bed as usual.
Opponents of the proposed law have been relatively silent on the fecal matter but have requested that the Governor at least try to get the state’s schools and healthcare out of the toilet.

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