First Baby of 2019 May Be God’s First Mistake

by Wil Henneberger

What is usually a joyous event at the beginning of each New Year was marred this January 1st by what can only be described as a haunting, demon-faced, ghoul of a newborn baby. Brenda Denise Garza-Garcia, was born at 3:49 a.m. at Christus Spohn South, becoming the first Corpus Christi baby born in 2019. Sadly she was cursed with the kind of ugly that only evil could produce.

As soon as Baby Brenda was hosed down and handed to her parents, they realized their disappointment and the humane decision was made to raise it but not to form any kind of physical bond with it, in hopes that it might eventually run off into the darkness of the night.

After looking into his daughter’s eyes, her father, who asked not to be named, immediately called for the hospital Chaplin and accepted Jesus Christ as his savior and protector from all things demonic.

“It’s easy to believe in God now that I have visible proof that Satan exists,” he said while splashing holy water at the unfazed child.

Even the monster’s grandparents left as soon as the cord was cut, opting not to visit or take any photos of their new grandchild.

“I can’t believe that I became a grandmother for that little hell hound chew toy,” Delia Garcia told her daughter on her way out the door. “I’m only 38. If I’m going to be a grandma, you could have at least pushed out something worth it. Maybe I can be abuela to your last turd. At least that was cute.”

Nurses in the maternity ward have already given the offspring the nickname’ ‘God’s First Mistake’. Several admitted that when they took the Nurse’s Oath, which states, ‘Never a mess too big, never a patient to gross, for $11 an hour we handle it like pros.’, they never thought they would be faced with a situation like this.

The hospital staff reportedly discussed for over an hour whether to “SIDS” Baby Brenda and go with Baby Karen, a basic bitch baby who was born a few minutes later. However, by the time they agreed that Brenda should be murdered her name had already leaked to local press.

Dr. Sanjay Diaz, who delivered Baby Brenda was overheard saying, “When I saw this atrocity leaving her mom’s vaginal canal, it was the first time I ever wondered if I could just push her back in and save us all. Then there was a moment before it took its first breath when technically it could have been considered medical waste and gone straight into the red bucket. And believe me, nobody in that room would have questioned me for one second. Ultimately, I just couldn’t afford another dead baby on my record.

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