We did it! With a little bit of girl-power and a lot of grip and grin Hillary was violated all the way to the highest office in the land. This election was not unlike those end of the night jobs I’ve taken after my daily ration of lube has run dry. Once the KY is gone that usually my cue to start walking to my pay by the day hotel home. Once in a while though, I’ll get an offer on the way home and as a working girl you gotta work, its right there in the title. Sure it’s rough and painful and yes it might even get bloody but just remember that blood is a lubricant too. The moral of the story is; if you’re gonna pick up a hooker try to catch her on the upslope of the night otherwise you are just asking for AIDS. The other moral of the story is that sometimes taking it up the political rear is worth it if it lands you at the forefront of history.
My wife just took a very powerful position and now I can hardly get her attention, let alone access to her secret cervix. Any tips?
Dear Billy Boy,
For crying out loud, has your penis not fallen off yet? I thought for sure by now it would be on a shelf in your presidential library between A Tale of Two Titties and The Scarlet Pimpernel. Look Bill, I have never said this to anyone in my life, but I think you have had enough. We have seen the good work that you can do curing disease in 3rd world countries, but can we get you to stop spreading it in 3rd rate motel rooms.
Hillary has a lot to prove these first four years or the republicans will change their principles and give her a messy late term abortion like you have never seen. So stay the heck out of her south wing. And listen closely Bill, you oversexed southern SOB, I don’t want to hear one inkling of a rumor of a whisper that you are slinking around with some fresh off the bus intern with hopes of being the next notch on the Lincoln headboard. If Hillary has any balls, she will start the chemical castration now and save us all from pubic enemy number 1.
What am I gonna do? Ever since losing this election I haven’t been able to maintain an erection. I’ve tried all the usual ways to stay hard… Making everyone around me feel small, starting new businesses and then filing bankruptcy even rubbing money on my penis while thinking of my daughter. Nothing works! –The Donald
Dear Don not so Juan,
With all you have said and done against humanity I am almost inclined to ignore your request for assistance, but wouldn’t that just put me at your level… you took the hard step of asking for help so I will do my best.
Like most egomaniacs, it sounds like you know yourself pretty well. If sadism and incest are no longer doing it for you then it may be time to step it up a notch. Lucky for you I have not only seen and heard it all, I have felt it all, smelled it all, and tasted it all, not to mention swallowed most of it.
If you are hard up for an erection, one of the first things I would suggest is adding a little choking to the mix. Autoerotic asphyxiation never hurt anyone, right? Don’t think too much about it, remember you want the blood out of your brain. So, get yourself some nice strong rope and noose it tight around your neck. The next step toward getting back your mojo is to find an overhead pipe or rafter. Stand on a stool, the more rickety the better. Using the rope, secure yourself to the beam above and get ready for the best orgasm of your life. Okay, now as you reach to undo your pants let the stool fall away. Do you feel that Donald? That is what you have been doing to America for the last year! Now, your survival instincts will tell youto reach up for the rope. Ignore that! Reach down to your tiny little penis, you might just find it with enough time to leave one last stain on this earth before you fade out for ever.
Now… I don’t know if you finished, but I sure did.