¡Viva la Revolución! Castro, Not So Much.

Fidel Alejandro Castro (1926-2016)
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Fidel Castro, long-time adversary of the United States, finally ended the long and Cold War on November 25, 2016. Though he thwarted nearly a dozen United States’ Presidents and over six hundred attempts at assassination, the communist revolutionary became another casualty of 2016, in a long list of greats lost this year. He passed away peacefully on Black Friday (ironically the most capitalist day of the year), after deciding that he did not want to live in the world without Florence Henderson in it.
Castro leaves behind his 85-year-old brother Raul, currently wondering why the fuck he has to handle running the whole country. He also leaves behind a wife, an ex-wife, countless one-night stands, and 11 children and several siblings (many of whom live in the United States).
His family (that did not vehemently oppose his rule of Cuba) is comforted that he is now reunited with Che Guevara, his old friend although Castro held decades of jealousy because of the vast number of Che posters and t-shirts sold to stoner college students in the States. He also joins his dear ally Hugo Chavez, one of the few socialist leaders to truly understand him and the troubles of controlling his population and overseeing shortages of basic goods.
Castro was known all over the world for leading a communist revolution and overthrowing the military dictatorship of Fulgencio Batista in the late 1950s. An ally of the Soviet Union, Castro became a sworn enemy of President Kennedy. As the leader of Cuba for nearly half a century Castro brought healthcare and education to the people, nationalized all industry, and oversaw decades of tense relationships with the United States. He also ordered dissidents to be shot in the street or imprisoned without representation and oversaw decades long exodus to Florida but hey, you can’t win them all.
Cuban children are devastated at the passing of their dear leader. Also known as Cuban Santa, Castro Clause was revered during the holidays. He was known for bringing communist treats (pieces of sugar cane) and small bundles of sand on Christmas Eve.
World leaders chimed in with comments after news of Castro’s passing broke. Justin Trudeau spoke kindly of the communist leader, bringing some heat to our neighbors to the north. President-elect Fuck Face Von Clownstick celebrated the death of Castro and praised the Cuban diaspora in Florida that endorsed him during the 2016 Election. President Obama was quoted as saying “I get credit for this too, right?”