Hugh Hefner – Dead to Me

Hugh Hefner 1926-2017

Magazine publisher and free speech advocate Hugh Hefner died on the last hump day of September 2017, though technically his last natural hump day was in 1982. As a man who probably always questioned the motives of the young beauties which surrounded him, it’s not surprising that the cause of death was a broken heart.

Hugh always said he would die if Playboy didn’t bring back nudity, and even though it did earlier this year, it was too late to reverse the process.

Upon finding his body playmates tried the phonebook to look up the number for 911, but even those pages were stuck together. As it was the first time Hef had been stiff in 20 years, they gave him a helluva send off before the coroner arrived.

He is survived by his wife, four children, and dozens of married celebrities who are breathing a sigh of relief as their dirtiest secrets are laid to rest.

He will be buried with a bunny on each side as per his will- the honor goes to the playmate of the year and Holly Madison’s actual pet bunny which will be dug up from under the magnolia tree to join Hugh’s side.

Choosing to have the playmates as pallbearers will make for a sexy funeral but some fear that it will pose a danger to their 85lb frames.

While Hugh Hefner is dead and gone, it is important to remember that his models are mostly non-biodegradable. All remaining playmates will be relocated to other wealthy tycoons with nonfunctioning penises.

Hugh Hefner will be forever remembered through the strain of super E. Coliherpes that he cultivated and spread to countless women who will pass it along in perpetuity.