Burt Reynolds – Dead to Me

Burt Reynolds

The beloved mustachioed Burt Reynolds passed away on September 6th. He was 82 years old at the end of his cannonball run.

Though he lived with the constant fear of death by anal raping hillbillies, it was cardiopulmonary arrest that ultimately was his deliverance.

He famously turned down the role of Han Solo because he refused to work in secluded wooded areas.

Burt was always known to be a charitable man, spending his off time giving cancer patients free mustache rides and giving away the lead in Die Hard to Bruce Willis.

Burt Reynolds was a sex symbol to the primitive generations who had not yet realized the beauty of the hairless body. He was the first man ever to appear as a nude centerfold in Cosmo magazine. The spread showed him laying naked on a bear skin rug, but after closer examination it was just more chest hair.

He was preceded in death by his face, which died 18 years ago.

The actor will possibly be remembered by Millennials for the 1993 race-relations vehicle Cop & a Half.

Norm MacDonald was asked to comment on Reynolds death but would only say, “I’m not Norm MacDonald… my name’s Turd Furguson. It’s a funny name”

In the early 60’s he made the transition from black and white to color film and in his early 60’s he went from movie star to special TV guest star. From the golden age of cinema to a cameo on Golden Girls.

In the last years of his life, he heroically and singlehandedly fought to deter the now inevitable Ryan Reynolds Smokey and the Bandit reboot. Sadly, however, he did live long enough to see one of his former roles played by Adam Sandler.

We can only speculate as to whether he has gone Eastbound and Down or if he made it to that best little whorehouse in the sky.

Reynolds will be laid to rest on Tuesday and his mustache will be buried a day later in a second, bigger coffin. Burt, you and your hair arse are dead to us.