Dec. 22, 1970 – Nov. 6th 2018
On a warm election night in Texas, Rafael Edward “Zodiak Killer”Cruz died to me.
The cause of death is believed to have been sepsis due to overwhelming amounts of swallowing presidential feces.
The Senator was hatched in an incubator in Canada, a country that has offered to take in refugees coming to the US border as long as the United States keeps Ted Cruz.
As a child he was one of those kids with no friends that my dad made me play with. And as an adult he was one of those candidates Trump forced republicans to vote for.
When he was not eating his boogers Cruz spent his free time watching the first and last episode of Netflix shows just to be able to fake his way through conversations.
He once said about himself that he“may not be the guy you’d wanna have a beer with… or talk to, or look at, or hock a loogie on.”
Coworkers and those close to Cruz described him as “the one Muppet Jim Henson tried to throw away” or “the most-likely mass shooter in the Senate”.
He is survived by other ultra-hated people such as Nickleback, the Sham Wow Guy, Rebecca Black, and the rest of the Grand Ole Party.
Cruz left behind a wife that may have just been Ted Cruz dressed in drag, along with two female offspring and several more unhatched eggs.
His supports all believe he is in a better place and his Pastor claims that when Cruz asked Jesus to be his savior, he is pretty sure Jesus had to comply whether he wanted to or not.
His body may be viewed for the next week in the bathtub filled with swamp water in his office, which he used to keep his pores hydrated. He will then be flushed down the toilet like so many lizards before him.